More from Wonkette...

Speaking of Wonkette, everyone needs to go there immediately and check out the FEMA Rap for Kids. Oh, I'm sorry...I meant "KIDZ".

Prime Minister Humping Traffic Cop

And here's a video (courtesy of Wonkette) of the Prime Minister of Italy humping a traffic cop...

Hah! His name's Silvio!

Greetings and Salutations!

Wow! I am actually "blogging"! I feel like a Capitol Hill intern, except I am poor and black. So many things to talk about, I don't even know where to start. Azazel, thanks for the invite and I will turn to you for questions dealing with the Arab community. I know, it's unfair to you, but as the only black guy in a white high school I was the official press secretary for the Negro people. Now it is your turn. Good day to all.

No More LuLu's

According to DCist, LuLu's Mardi Gras Club is closing. It's last night ever will be this Saturday, April 1.

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about LuLu's. I'd rather spend and evening at Lauriol "Fun-Vacuum" Plaza. That said, I can't help but feel a bit of sadness at this news. Nostaligia perhaps? After all, LuLu's was one of the only places in DC that let me drink when I was 17. This distinguished list also includes such fine establishments as the Cellar, Flick's/Odd's, Graffiti, Winston's, Cafe Babalu, and the notorious Charing Cross (which progressively bucked social norms and local statutes by establishing an age maximum of 19 for entry). Surprisingly, NONE of these bars is still in business.

Additionally, LuLu's, along with Heaven and Hell, Crush (closed), Polly Esther's (recently closed), and Tequila Beach (recently closed), served a very useful purpose - it kept insipid and painfully annoying bachelorette parties away from places I like to frequent. I've always said that the day I see a bachelorette party with plastic phalluses in tow at Cafe St. Ex is the day I go on a 4 state shooting spree. So, in essence, LuLu's existence kept the metropolitan area's crime rate down. In a way, it was like the anti-Club U.

Fight Club: DC Style

The first rule of fight club is: you do not talk about fight club. Unless it's an all-female fight club, in which case you can post an ad on craigslist to find willing participants.

Peter King's Colonoscopy

Peter King spends 500+ words today talking about the "cleaning out" process prior to his colonoscopy (which I can only hope was as painful for him as reading his column today was for me).

Peter, this is not OK. Especially since most of us working folk read your MMQB column during lunch.

Comments...

I was wondering why the comment activity has been low. I see that it's because I had unwittingly enabled "moderate comments" without also being notified when someone left a comment. The lesson - I am an idiot.

This has been corrected. I have disabled the "moderate comments" option. Comment away at the expense of workplace productivity.

Hoyas

So the Hoyas are out of the tourney. It's a bitter pill to swallow since they came so close to beating Florida, but I suppose a lot of teams feel that way (and justifiably so). Great season, though. And there's a lot to look forward to - Green, Hibbert, and Wallace will return next year, and will be joined by a sick recruiting class and Patrick Ewing Jr. (who becomes eligible after transfering). So I guess Craig Esherick's impact on the program wasn't irreperable as we had all feared.

A couple of leftover thoughts on the Hoyas:

• Freshman Guard Jessie Sapp's sister was shot at a Harlem playground Friday, just hours before the game. That probably explains his line for the night. Cafe 227 wishes her a quick and complete recovery.

• The Hoyas may not have the best basketball team in the country, but at least we have the biggest dorks. What are the chances that Twister Murchinson doesn't pop his collar?

Juggling Balls

This guy is amazing. It's long (4+ minutes), but well worth it. And make sure you're sound is on.

And no, it's not porn.

The Prettiest of Hoyas

Victor Page was the ugliest man to ever don a Georgetown uniform and the only candidate for orthodontics by force that I've ever known. Then he got shot and lost an eye. He's like the black Job. (Not to be confused with black Jesus). Now, Page is the subject of one of those wonderful, "the news makes me think of..." games that the New York Times plays that generates articles like this.

Now, sure there are some moments of comedy in this article. Like the fact that Page knows who shot him, but doesn't seem to mind. Or that the Sioux Force Skyforce retired his number, even after he was ejected from a game after prodding an opponent with a broom.

But while Page would make the All-Crazy Georgetown team, he would not be the MVP. That honor would have to go to Kenny Brunner who transferred from the Hilltop to pursue a career as a part-time ninja. He then "made it" into the ABA (pre-Isiah Thomas destruction) and had to be removed from a game so that he could vomit the day-old Chinese take-out he'd eaten for breakfast all over the bench.

Playing Center on the team would have to be "Who Wants to Sex Dikembe", with A.I. on the team for scoring and an actual conviction.

Thank you, New York Times, for our Victor Page update!

Only another 4 hours of work...

First, Google mapped Mars. Of course they did. As Doza says, "I have an apointment at 11am Tuesday for them to map my kitchen."

A Nepalese man offers his wife as payment for a $15 debt. But it's ok, because he has another wife.

Here's a follow-up to yesterday's pigeon-shooting scare in Pittsburgh. Check out the alliteration in the title. Ole' Rich Lord is gunning for a Pullitzer.

Finally, the Restaurant Association of Metropolitan Washington announced the finalists for their "Rammy" awards yesterday. Cafe 227 was not included as a finalist for "Hottest Bar Scene." I know Cafe 227 isn't really a "bar" (it's more of a speakasy/after-hours lounge), but that technicality shouldn't have eliminated us from contention. Allow me to briefly comment on the finalists:

• Clyde's of Gallery Place: Contrived and lame.
• Degrees: Pretty cool, if by "cool" you mean "fucking lame and overpriced."
• Sonoma: That's on Capitol Hill, right? Lame.
• Tabaq: I used to like Tabaq before they relieved Frankie Fingers of his DJing duties. Now, it's lame.
• Zaytinya: Perpetual shit-show, constantly inhabited by people from Virginia who want to show out-of-town guests how cool DC is. So basically, it's like Lauriol Plaza circa 2001.

In sum, Cafe 227 whizzes on all of these places. Not including us as a finalist is an unforgiveable oversight.

Back to work...

The 'Burgh: A Very Strange Place

Since I'm swamped at work, I'll just copy and paste the introductory paragraph of this article verbatim:

"A worker at a Downtown building who was using a pellet gun with a scope to scare pigeons prompted a massive police response that led to the shutdown of several blocks this afternoon."

Insert obligatory Dick Cheney joke here.

I've Been Saying this for Years...

...but NO ONE agreed with me. Until now. College basketball is, in fact, a sub-standard product. I will not even bother to entertain arguments to the contrary.

Is Anyone up for a Game of Basketball?

Thank you, Deadspin, for uncovering this comedic goldmine. Apparently, Carlos Boozer is suing Prince...

2 Funny Links

• A neighborhood in Mobile, Alabama is on the lookout for a leprechaun. Or a crackhead - they're not really sure.
• What do you use your Dell for? This sounds about right...
  

Return of the G-Funk Era

I couldn't be happier with Georgetown's victory last night. In sharp contrast to the Northern Iowa debacle on Thursday, the Hoyas played beautiful, crisp basketball. It was the definitely the most significant victory for the Hoyas in the post-Nat Burton/Rocky LeDonni era.

Regardless, the local media has virtually ignored the Georgetown victory, opting to focus on the George Mason victory instead. I suspect this is because George Mason university was named after George Mason, who (as we all know from 24) sacrificed his own life to save millions of Americans by piloting a plane carrying a nuclear bomb to a remote area of the desert. It is no wonder, then, why a school named after this lion of fictional American history would get the majority of local media attention.

But the local media should not overlook Georgetown's connection to the fictional world of 24. Martyred President David Palmer not only obtained his undergraduate degree from Georgetown, but also played basketball for the Hoyas, winning the Wooden Award for player of the year. And on top of that, David Palmer's real-life nephew, Nazareth Haysbert (pictured half-way down next to Burl Ives' illegitimate son) actually attended Georgetown in the real world.

Now that I've disclosed Georgetown's extensive connection to 24, I expect local media attention to shift to the Hoyas immediately. And if that doesn't do it, maybe a win over Florida next week will.

Antwaan Traitor-El

From the mailbag this morning:

"How come no comments on Cafe227 about the departure of Randle El?"

First of all, it took me a few days to figure out how to spell his name. Antwan? Antoine? Antwaan? Whatever - at least I didn't confuse him with Willie Parker.

Second, what is there to say really? Do I love Antwaan? No doubt. Was he an indispensible cog for the Steelers this year? No question, and we probably wouldn't have won the Super Bowl without him. Does it make any sense whatsoever to pay a third receiver/special teamer first-receiver money? Not at all.

The Redskins are bat-shit insane - they continue to haphazardly throw money and draft picks at mediocre talent. Check out this chart Peter King put together in yesterday's MMQB column. Where does Randle-El fit in here? By my estimation, he'd be third on the depth chart, behind Moss and Lloyd. Yet the Redskins gave him $10 million signing bonus - $1 million more than the Steelers gave Hines Ward, a potential hall-of-famer, last year.

There's a reason that the Steelers have been consistently successful over the past decade while the Redskins have rotted in the basement of the league. I'll miss Randle-El and the excitement and unpredictability he brings to the team, but I think that the Steelers will be OK without him.

RIP, Miss Deaf Texas

I didn't know quite how to react to this article, titled "Miss Deaf Texas Struck by Train, Killed". Here are my thoughts:

1) There is really a Miss DEAF TEXAS??? Couldn't they come up with a more complimentary, elegant-sounding title?? Will the future winner of a pageant for overweight people be called "Miss Bedonkadonk, USA"???

2) I am reasonably confident that no one knows who this woman is. Although her death is undoubtedly tragic, it's not like this poor girl was a household name. Which makes me question CNN's motives for this news story. Why did they write it in the first place?? I think it was so they could write the second paragraph ("A witness told Austin televion station KTBC that the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred"). Christ in a sidecar, is that kind of detail necessary?!

3) It seems to me that the entire point of this lurid story was to emphasize that had this poor girl not been deaf, she would have been able to get the fuck out of the way, and would not have ended up as track wax.

What do you guys think??

Happy Pi Day

Yes, today is apparently "Pi Day." Get it? March 14 = 3/14 = 3.14 ≈ п? Clever.

Judging by this web site, some people take Pi Day very seriously. Click here to see Pi estimated to the one-millionth digit! Click here to purhcase your very own Pi poster ("One of the most important numbers of mathematics... Now available on a poster")! Click here to listen to a song about Pi, in which the singer descants through the first 150 digits of Pi!

Not to rain on everyone's parade, but isn't this whole celebration a bit disingenuous? I mean, if rounding accuracy is what we desire, there was only one genuine Pi day - March 14, 1592.

Some Thoughts for the Weekend...

Man, it's beautiful outside. I'm glad I'm still in the office. I think I'll post some assorted links to delay my escape even further:

• This is one of the funniest college sports pranks in recent memory. The other that immediately comes to mind is the Harvard-Yale "We Suck" prank, which loses points because Ivy-leaguers are largely lame. I'm also a huge fan of this sign, even though I'm not even sure that it's real (I find it hard to believe that a Twerp could come up with something as clever as this).
• At a mere 1,000 calories, this monstrosity is only a fraction as unhealthy as your typical Adams Morgan jumbo slice.
• This may be an overly pedantic quip, but in his column today Thomas Boswell says that baseball owners "assume that all possible damages can be estimated and, ultimately, related to the profit-and-loss line on a balance sheet." Now, as a financial analyst, I've seen my share of balance sheets. They decidedly do NOT have profit-and-loss lines - those are more appropriately included on the profit-and-loss statement. I'll strike a deal with you Bos - you stop talking about balance sheets, and I'll stop talking about baseball.
• Finally, drink all you want this weekend, but be sure to say no to drugs. Otherwise, your head will expand to inhuman proportions.

Damn It!

I was going to make a joke in this space about how Lavar Arrington's departure from the Redskins is going to affect the infamous Eastern Motors commercials ("stay down punk!"), but Wonkette beat me to it. Damn them.

AHHH, SKEET SKEET SKEET....

It was only a matter of time.

More Random Links while I Slave Away...

• Is there anything funnier than Indian humor?
• Doza's been touting this idea for years, except his version incorporates a functioning breathalyzer.
• There's got to be a better way than this to settle domestic disputes.
• And by the same token, there's got to be a better way than this to distract Chinese jewlery merchants.
• Mom, if you're reading this, I'd like the one-letter "Beg for Mercy" style pimp cup for my birthday.
• Now, this is real news. I had no idea Bonds got traded to the Giants.
• Hidden Passageway - creative home engineering. Much less nauseating than creative human engineering.
• Here's Natalie Portman's gangsta rap (a la "Lazy Sunday Afternoon") from Saturday Night Live. Alas, she's fully clothed.
• Here's a video of two guys racing each other to finish Super Mario Brothers. The best part of it is the crowd's reaction. They're going nuts. Nerds.
• Speaking of nerds, I think we can all agree that MBA students are the biggest, especially those at Penn and Duke.
• The human version of "The Simpsons."
• "Alire said she might have gained a little weight during her pregnancy but not enough that she noticed. She continued to wear the same size clothes and had no morning sickness or strange cravings for ice cream and pickles."
• Finally, I leave you with the Games of the Week. There are two: Monkey Diving and the simple yet painfully addictive Slime Volleyball.

Okay, WTF?

http://humanupgrades.com/

Simple what? Is this for real? I'm frightened.

Roommate Search Gets Harder...

Ok, so we have a little secret at Cafe 227 (well, it's not really a secret for anyone who's lived in DC for more than a couple of weeks): Cafe 227 is unsafe. The neighborhood is unsafe. Not as unsafe as it used to be before the "progress" train of gentrification came chugging through, but unsafe nonetheless.

To wit: a 33-year old man was randomly shot and killed up the block from Cafe 227 last week.

And closer to home (but not nearly as tragic), Cafe 227 was itself the target of break-ins twice in the last 24 months. The first time, the perpetrators got away with our former roommate's bicycle. (Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT sell her bike to the neighborhood kids for $10 and a bag of Lil Romeo's "Bar-B-Q'in With My Honey" Rap Snacks. It really was stolen.)

The second break-in occurred on the night of November 28, 2005. None of us were home - we were all at the bar watching the Steelers getting manhandled by the Colts. A thief took this opportunity to pry open our back door with a shovel (which he kindly left for us; see picture below), grab a bottle of low-budget fruit-infused vodka, and run out of the house before the alarm went off. Thankfully, nothing else was stolen. Even more thankfully, we were finally able to rid ourselves of that bottle of rancid liquid that someone so thoughtlessly brought as a "gift" to one of our parties.

Nonetheless, you can see how a potential rommate could be put off by this incident (i.e., "What if next time they take my collection of autographed Scott Stapp albums? What if next time they KILL ME IN MY SLEEP?") So, we've been hoping to keep it under wraps, at least until our new roommate signs a lease.

But it looks like our efforts at discretion were in vain. Thanks to the Washington Post's on-line database of police reports, the whole incident is disclosed right here...

How did the BBC miss this???

Attention, Nation: Condi Rice works out. This is great news! This just shows you that no matter how busy you are, you can still work those abs. Oh, and Condi also has a Ph.D. and was a Stanford professor, so you can do that, too!

I cannot think of anything more newsworthy than this, except maybe us recognizing the nuclear capability of only one party to the tensest stand off since the Cold War, but that's just CRAZY TALK!!!

A Break in the Action

The busy season is upon me. How I've missed those 70 hour work weeks, those Sunday mornings at the office, those late-night phone calls with corporate lawyers! On top of that, I'll be spending my evenings interviewing potential new roommates because Cappa NPA, founder of Cafe 227, is moving out in April to open another Cafe 227 in Denver. Oh yeah - like Jay-Z, we're worldwide.

Accordingly, I won't have much to say in this space over the next month or so (or I will, but I won't have time to say it).

In the meantime, here are some links that have come between me and efficiency over the past few days...

• So, after posting our ad on craigslist, I was browsing some of the other ads. This one has to be a scam, doesn't it? I mean, who's ever heard of "super high-speed" internet?
• This review of Scott Stapp's recent concert at the 9:30 club is hilarious. It's also the funniest thing I've ever read on DCist, but that's not setting the bar very high.
• In response to Chico's self-deprecating rant on Catholicism yesterday, the founder of Dominos Pizza has decided to build a city in Florida governed by strict Catholic principles.
• It's Hammer Time in the blogosphere. I've also added this link to my blogroll.
• These two names have to be the most unfortunate names in America. And Cafe 227 knows something about unfortunate names.
• I couldn't be more excited about the planned hip-hop exhibit at the Smithsonian. Rumor has it that Mike Jones has agreed to donate his grill.
• What is this Dress Kevin thing about? How about a new web site: buy-kevin-clothes-that-arent-lame.com? I mean, a non-ironic turtleneck? How lame indeed.

Why I Don't Like My Fellow Catholics

For those of you non-Cathols who have this to look forward to, want to give you the heads up that today is Ash Wednesday, a fun day of fasting and remembering that we're all going to die.

To achieve this, the palms used on last year's Palm Sunday as both a symbol and to fan everyone who passes out while listening to the reading of the Passion, are burned to make ashes. These ashes are saved and placed on our foreheads the following year.

While some may think this funny, it is actually quite serious. This tradition is a great way for us as Catholics to show our "quirkiness" and "ability to obey," which are often called into question by those who constantly discriminate against us. What, you didn't know we were being oppressed? We've only got 5 of the 9 Supreme Court justices! That's BARELY a majority! And there's only a few Catholic colleges left!

So if you see me or another Papist with a dark smudge on his or her forehead today, give a little smile and remind yourself how grateful you are to have the opportunities that are denied us fish-eaters... like not getting to go to Bob Jones University.