Drinks are on me!

Leave it to the Brits to figure this out. Necessity is the mother of invention, I suppose.

(Thanks to Pollo Loco for the link.)

CALIFORNIA LOVE!!!!

West Side!!!!!!!

Sorry, everybody, but I think I saw Suge Knight rolling around in a 2006 Hummer looking to beat someone's ass over a record label. I am here in beautiful San Diego (temperature currently at 65 degrees, very little wind coming out of the southeast) with only the clothes in my bag, a few dollars in my pocket, my hopes and dreams, and a loaded Sig Sauer pistol. Ahh, a guy could live forever with those things. I believe it is almost 5 p.m., but my body says it is 8 p.m. I had to buy a towel and pillow from IKEA because I ain't got shit else until tomorrow.

My fiancee Autumn picked out a beautiful apartment complex that is close to a lot of things, most important of all: IHOP. Right across the street. I can almost smell the pancakes from our balcony. Why anybody leaves this place is beyond me (Yeah, I know it is expensive but damn so is DC, NY, and Boston but people still live there! And it's cold in those places!!!).

Anyway, just wanted to drop a line to anybody who cares. This place sure beats the taint of the US that was Brunswick, Georgia. And on a completely random change of subject, if anybody knows were Scott Dominguez is please let me know. Word is he works for the Febs out of Quantico I can neither confirm nor deny that. Much love to everyone.

Assorted Links: The Lazy Blogger's Way Out

Look, I warned you about this. Every year, commencing around August 1, I stop going out, reading, listening to music, watching movies, talking to people - essentially, I stop living life. Instead, I devote the bulk of my leisure time to reading about football, watching football (especially now that I have NFL Sunday Ticket), discussing football, and managing my fantasy football teams. My IQ plummets during this time. It's as if my brain goes into hibernation every fall, only to emerge in mid-February perplexed, timid, and visibly malnourished. By the summer, my synapses are firing on all cylinders again, allowing me to write witty missives about the local bar scene, the evolution of hip-hop as seen through the prism of art history, etc. But as the year draws to a close, I retreat to the cold, dark recesses of CNNSI.com and shoot Peter King's and Dr. Z's inane drivel into my veins.

So what's left, you ask? Why, assorted internet links, of course. (Thanks to my three remaining readers for these.)

• Have you ever wondered how many cans of Jolt Cola you could drink before you actually dropped dead? Find out here.
  
• This has been out for a while now, but it's too good to ignore: Ethan Albright's fictional response to being ranked the worst football player in Madden '07.
  
• Forbes.com, the self-proclaimed "home page for the world's business leaders," is also apparently the home page for unintentionally hilarious articles about sex.
  
• Speaking of sex, Esquire magazine recently named Scarlett Johansson the sexiest woman alive. I'm in concurrence.
• A set of twins was recently born in England. One of the twins is black, and the other is white. I once thought this was a physical impossibility, but no longer. I have nothing more to add.
• Finally, are you scrambling to find a creative Halloween costume for tomorrow night? Fear not - all you really need is a good set of hair clippers and a healthy lack of dignity:

Let's Continue to Rag on Peter King.

From a loyal reader:

"Since you've been running Peter King Is An Idiot files, I thought I would point out the brilliance of today's "analysis" of the Bears-49ers game:

---
Lovie Smith-Mike Nolan doesn't have quite the same ring to it as Mike Ditka-Bill Walsh. Alex Smith-Rex Grossman, Joe Montana-Jim McMahon. What a difference 20 years makes.
---

Yes, I know Peter, the players and coaches you spent so much time analyzing and getting to know have retired. Why couldn't they just keep playing forever? And I know that you think it is unfair that it makes your job (which let's not forget, involves watching and discussing NFL football) so much harder that every year you have to learn about new players and coaches who you really don't care about. Which I suppose is why you go back to fellating Bill Parcells over and over again, which leads you to say asinine things like:

---

Dallas (3-3) at Carolina (4-3)

It's Romo time. Bill, you did the right thing.

Dallas 20, Carolina 16
---

Dallas isn't going to cover, let alone win. Peter (and the rest of the sports media), its time for you to admit the Cowboys suck and, at this point, Bill Parcells is a bad coach and a bad human being. This Cowboys team has 6-10 written all over it. Of course, I'm sure Peter will still be arguing that Parcells did a great job and it was only a few bad breaks here and there that kept them out of the playoffs where they would have put everything together and gone all the way to the Super Bowl.

Aziz needs a hug...

Good evening all! This is your favorite student Big Worm live from Southeast Georgia.

Enough of that crap. I am so freaking tired of this place, but in 4 days I (hopefully) will not have to see it ever again. That is right, ladies and gentlemen, I graduate on Friday the 27th of October at 1530 hours (that's 3:30 p.m. for you non-military schlumps).

(Sidebar: there is a guy in the computer lab who looks like Albert Einstein's cousin. Where is my loaded weapon?)

Anyway, this journey is almost over and I say "Thank the Lord!". I would first like to send a big pile of steaming horse dung to Mazda American Credit for completely wasting my time and stressing me out over my damn title to my car. Thank you, Mazda, you useless bitches.

On the 30th of October I will be flying to San Diego to start the next leg of my journey. I am excited to begin my new job in a new location. I will miss the East Coast, except when 34 feet of snow hits and you mopes are shoveling snow. I have shoveled snow for 28 years and I look forward to warm weather every day of the year.

Since I probably won't see any of you before I leave for California, I want to say thanks for the entertaining rants, observations, and random video clips at Cafe 227. If anybody is out in San Diego, hit me up to say hello. Otherwise, I'll see you when I see you. Be safe.

Shaq Diesel, Crime Stopper

I'm on my way to a client meeting, but I just had to post this before I ran out the door. Apparently, Shaquille O'Neal (of "What's Up Doc, Can We Rock?" fame) participated in an Internet child porn raid in Virginia as a police officer. Worse yet, they raided the wrong house. Read the whole thing here.

(Thanks to SpyTech for this link.)

Peter King's an Idiot, Part II

From Peter King's MMQB column:

"g. If the Redskins don't go with Jason Campbell now, what they are saying is: We refuse to make a change even though our season is on the line. We have a bye this week and can effect positive change. Or something like that. I don't know how a limited-mobility quarterback like Mark Brunell can flourish against the defensive pressure of Dallas, Philadelphia, Tampa Bay (well, the Bucs are just OK), Carolina, Atlanta and Philly again. In succession." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: "Effect" is a noun, "affect" is a verb. Peter should have used "affect" in this context. Seriously, CNNSI.com did fire all their copy editors, didn't they.

UPDATE: I've been informed by someone smarter than me that "effect" can be used as a transitive verb to mean "bring into existence." Therefore, it seems that I need a copy editor, not Peter King. Sorry Peter.

Oh, and in response to Chico's earlier, inexcusible post: nuff said...

'Nuff Said

On Stingrays...

From Bill Simmons' column today:

"6:47 -- Wait, another stingray attack? Yikes. I think the stingrays are furious that we haven't respected them enough to name a professional sports team after them. Now they're taking it out on us. And frankly, I don't blame them."

Wait just a minute Bill - what about the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? I mean, I'm no marine biologist, but their logo sure looks like a stingray to me.

Or was Bill trying to be cute by implying that the Devil Rays aren't a professional sports team?

Ajit does Gnarls Barkley on YouTube

Congratulations, Ajit. You're the first person whom I know personally to appear on YouTube:

No Time for Jibba Jabba

It's pictures such as this that keep me going throughout the workday...

Peter King and Don Banks: Dumb and Dumber

Did they fire all their copy editors over at CNNSI.com? Look, I know I'm not the best writer in the world. But there's bad writing, and then there's execrable writing. To wit --

From Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column today:

"2. Indianapolis (5-0). 'Honey,' I imagine Mrs. Peyton saying to Mr. Peyton Manning, sitting in his favorite recliner around 1:30 on Sunday afternoon. 'You promised we'd clean out the garage this afternoon. Honey? Honey!' Said Mr. Manning: 'In a minute, honey.' In other words, I would be shocked if Peyton Manning did not have the games on and a clicker in his hand on his bye Sunday."

Comment: Peter, if you have to clarify your story by explicitly stating your intended premise after an "in other words" clause, your story was stupid, ineffective, and a profound waste of your readers' time.

"He responded by leading Pittsburgh to a 31-0 halftime lead, going 16 of 19 with two touchdowns and no interceptions. This is the Roethlisberger of the last two years -- a complimentary player with no ego who's happy to let his running game and defense be the headline acts." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: I think Peter meant to say "complementary," with an "e." I stopped making this mistake in 7th grade. (As an aside, Peter couldn't be more wrong - Ben is an amazing playmaker, and the Steelers success is contingent upon his success throwing the ball. The Steelers are only able to amass mountains of rushing yardage when he's sharp and the opposing defense can't crowd the line of scrimmage. For proof, check out footage from the Steelers' loss against the Jaguars a few weeks ago. Do you actually watch football, Peter?)

(As another aside, I've just about had it with sportswriters -- see Thomas Boswell's column today -- continually confusing causality with correlation. A common argument I hear is this: "The Nantucket Nancies are 44-3 when Speedy McRunsalot rushes at least 25 times. Therefore, for the Nancies to win, McRunsalot needs to get at least 25 touches." Could it be that in the games that McRunsalot had at least 25 rushes, the Nancies were nursing a large early-game lead - - a lead that was perhaps built through the passing game? Why is this possibility lost on sports pundits?)

"The Steelers shouldn't get all pissy when Troy Polamalu gets tackled by the hair, or by the hair and jersey, as he did by Larry Johnson. His hair is the size of Texas, for crying out loud." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: Peter actually wrote "all pissy," a phrase usually reserved for use by quarrelsome, suburban schoolgirls, in an sports column. You know, Peter, it's OK to break out the Thesaurus sometimes. Had you done so, you may have come up with a more appropriate word - - such as "irascible," or (my personal favorite) "cantankerous."

"I think I never thought I'd say Tennessee owner Bud Adams was right. But Bud Adams was right in making Jeff Fisher play Vince Young when he did three weeks ago." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: It took me the better part of this morning to unwind the convoluted logic there.

And not to be outdone by his colleague, Don Banks wrote this gem in his Snap Judgments column:

"Here's a call I believe will be made: Joey Harrington should remain the Dolphins starting quarterback until the ex-Lion loses the job based on performance. Irregardless of the progress of Daunte Culpepper's knee in his mid-season rehabilitation program. Harrington didn't distinguish himself against the Jets on the road on Sunday, but he still gives Nick Saban's flailing Fish a better chance to win right now than the immobile Culpepper." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: "Irregardless" is NOT EVEN A WORD. Dammit, it's not even lunchtime yet, and I already have a headache...

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

As sung by Spock, circa 1968. This is outstanding.

The Washington Times on Roy Hibbert

I rarely read the Washington Times. But as a Georgetown grad and a die-hard Hoya basketball fan, I thought this article about Roy Hibbert's off-season improvement was superb. My favorite line:

"'I know it's just a summer league, but the big fella can ball,' former Maryland star Lonny Baxter said after Hibbert torched his team for 32 points and 15 rebounds in the title game. In an act of revenge, Baxter dragged Hibbert to the White House, where he shot the young Hoya several times."

Ok, I made that last part up.

As is expected from the Washington Times, the title of the article - "Summer Growth Spurt" - is actually quite misleading. From the accompanying photo, only Hibbert's hands grew to freakishly large proportions, while the rest of his body pretty much stayed the same size:

Assorted Thoughts from my Climate-Controlled Oubliette in Northern Virginia

So, I'm currently in the midst of a rather large project that requires quite a bit of original writing. It's uncanny - when I didn't have to write, I couldn't wait to post my musings in this space every day. But now that I'm being forced to write against my will, I've lost all desire to write anything here at all. Actually, "desire" isn't the right word - "ability," I should say. The process of involuntary writing has drained every last ounce of creative energy I once had.

What's worse, I've discovered through this project that - by all objective measures - I'm a horrible writer. I'm trite, needlessly grandiloquent, and excessively verbose. I'm hopelessly obsessed with the passive voice, and I have no compunction ending sentences with prepositions. I split infinitives willy-nilly. I'm a bad writer, and it's taking a toll on me, my coworkers, and my closest friends.

Perhaps when this project is over (in a few short weeks, hopefully), I'll rediscover my penchant for blogging. Until then, at least Doza's still sending me random web links:

• A recent gem from The Onion.
  

• Looking to kill some time at work, but you've tried everything FetchFido has to offer? This game will keep you occupied for hours. Nay, days.
• This one's from Alayne: actress Sienna Miller (I have no idea who she is) recently dissed my beautiful hometown. She called it "Shitsburgh"! She's beautiful and creative! Anyway, her publicist issued the lamest excuse ever in response.
  
• And finally, since I'm out of random links from Doza (I guess I didn't have as many as I thought), let me just give you my take on the Steelers' embarassing loss last night. Look, they can go 1-15 this year, and it still wouldn't diminish the fact that they won the Super Bowl nine months ago. Their fifth.
  

Kidnapped by FLETC

Good afternoon all!

I pray everybody has been doing well since I last wrote something intelligible. As you can tell from the title of this editorial, FLETC kidnapped me and held me for ransom but I shot my way out Steven Seagal-style. I am now an old fat white guy with tight jeans and a receding hairline that ends in a ponytail. In other words, I am Doza circa 2033.

Anyway, I have less than four weeks left in the "taint" of the United States. 20 weeks!!! Unbelievable. I should get a freaking award or something. But, it has not been all bad. In fact, my classmates and I entertain ourselves by writing down mispronounced words, non-existing words, and things that make you go "What in the hell?" said by our "instructors". Some examples from the past 20 weeks:

Definization
Legitimated
Wetlock
Physical year (as opposed to fiscal year)
Saudia Arabia (must be a new country that Bush will bomb in 2 weeks)
The opposite of credible is....incredible!
"I heard something out of the corner of my eye..."
Archives (with the "ch" pronounced like "cheese" as oppose to "can you be serious")

And finally, my personal favorite, the following beginning of a sentence was said to us by a lady who has worked in intelligence for over 20 years: "The Pentagon is an octagon-shaped building...."

Wow.

When that one was said, about half of the class turned to the side and had a look as if they smelled busted ass. A guy who sits in front of me, who is a Captain in the Army and a lawyer, looked at me as if he was going to throw up. It was classic.

I have a longer list on my desk because I am the official scribe for our project. On a separate note, I will be in town (DC) this weekend for the last significant time. I hope my cats remember me, even though they love Johnny Shades. As usual, be safe wherever you are and don't say anything stupid!

They'll Apparently Eat Anything in China

From the washingtonpost.com's "Day in Photos," which purports to offer "[a] panoramic view of the world in photographs."


Now I know this is a picture of Chinese babies learning to swim. But, it looks like a giant lobster tank for steamed baby heads. Just tell me it doesn't.

I'd like to take issue...

...with Mr. J. Freedom du Lac's (Seriously? That's his name?) insistence in this morning's Washington Post that "Rakim is without question the greatest rapper of all time." Now, Rakim may or may nor be the greatest rapper of all time, despite similar proclamations from Jay-Z, Nas, L.L. Cool-J, among others. But, we cannot even begin to have this conversation without mentioning Tupac and Biggie - which makes Monsieur du Lac's assertion extremely questionable.