The Terrorists Don't Hate America, They Just Hate ME

Now, call me a solipsist, call me paranoid or call me insensitive to the families of those who have been killed by terrorism, but I think that I have cracked the code of the terrorists. They are not after our profligate Western lifestyle or seeking to convert everyone to their religion, they are simply after ME.

I have attended schools in D.C. and New York.

After riding on the super fast AVE train from Madrid's Atocha Station to Sevilla, the terrorists bombed it.

After staying at a hotel on London's Russel Square, the terrorists bombed the area, including the bus I rode.

I thought it was coincidence until I heard last night that there was a plot afoot to bomb a federal building in Miami. One of the proposed targets was, of course, the building in which I work.

The final straw was when Miguel Cabrera swung at a pitch during an attempted intentional walk. As Deadspin rightly noted, this action is reserved only for members of Chico's Bail Bonds, most notably, Kelly Leak. Clearly, Cabrera seeks to destroy my alter ego, just in case the terrorists leave something behind.

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Rest comfortably, dear readers... just don't stand too close to me.