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Monday, August 14, 2006

The Washington Post's Abysmal Lifestyle Coverage (or, Fun With Captions)

I really think we're witnessing the nadir of The Washington Post's "Lifestyle" coverage. First, the Best Bets winners were announced today - and surprise! - many of the winners were of the bland corporate-chain variety. At least the Going Out Gurus indicated their personal "picks" this time, which were mostly solid. And they had the moxie to include cheeky commentary for the more egregious winners (i.e., for DC's "best" Chinese restaurant, P.F. Chang's, the GoG's wryly noted: "The massive Chinese chain does fusion for the masses.") It seems even the GoGs, God bless their souls, could hardly hide their disdain this year...

Speaking of corporate chains, did you know the city was being overrun by them? Apparently, the Washington Post just found out. (Note - I actually liked this article, and the accompanying Quicktime panorama application thing kept me entertained for about 90 minutes today, which is why I'll be at work until 11. I just think this is old news. Also, I think the problem's much worse in the abiguously-named neighborhood 15 blocks to the east.)

And then there's this pictorial, which kind of speaks for itself. The lead-in to the pictorial appeared on the front page of for the majority of the afternoon directly next to stories such as "Cease Fire Takes Effect; More Fighting Expected" and "Bush: Israel Defeated Hezbollah," underscoring its global importance. And as with any issue of importance, this one requires our further attention.

So let's take these pictures one by one and see if we can come up with some better captions. (Yes, it's been done before. But I'm too busy to be creative, and my "co-contributors" are largely worthless. Also, I'm trying to stimulate commenting activity, so I encourage you to add your own.)

Monte and Wes celebrate the one-year anniversary of their domestic partnership with a decadent chocolate cake, showing the "love-birds" in the background how it's done in three dimensions.

Chaz couldn't be more pleased with the new preparation of rohypnol that he's using on Cammy tonight. She's lost control of her neck muscles way ahead of schedule, and her clothes just disappeared as if by magic.

Despite finishing his Capitol Hill internship 27 years ago, former intern James Smith (or "lecherous Jimmy" as he's known to the Capitol Hill police force) still enjoys drinking Coronas by himself and whistling at drunk women half his age through his teeth. (In the timeless words of Bubb Rubb, the whistle goes "whooooo!")

As he was taught to do by the elders in his local Aghori-devotee society, Seth (back center) prepares to devour the head of unsuspecting Sanjiv.

Kelly (17), Sarah (19), Madison (20), and Sara (17) do their fifth shot of tequila of the night. After all, if they're going to stay out in DuPont much longer, they need to be good and drunk to deal with all the people of "color." "We just don't have all these Arabs, Indians, and Ethiopians in Burleith, so we need a little elixir to numb the culture shock," says Sarah.

Thip (bottom right), doing his best impersonation of school on Sunday, proves that he has no class by making out with some anonymous, besotted 20-year old Hill intern in front of his best friend Armando (bottom, left) and Armando's hair, who both pretend not to notice. And at Front Page, no less...

Which reminds me - how did I forget to include Front Page on my list of DC's 10 worst bars?


  • Heh. Great captions.

    By Blogger sparkles anonymous!, at 9:16 PM  

  • I don't even know where Burleith is!

    By Blogger Velvet, at 9:38 AM  

  • It's the racially sanitized plot of land between Georgetown and Glover Park...

    By Blogger Johnny Shades, at 9:49 AM  

  • Holy nutsack that was funny. I zorted my caribou coffee halfway up my nasal canal from laughter. Hey! Have you heard of this "caribou" place? The Washington Post says it's one of the twenty-seven best coffee places in the District! Looks good on a Kleenex, too.

    By Blogger The Deceiver, at 10:01 AM  


    I can't BELIEVE they thought we were twins just because of our matching shirts, identical resumes, and lack of independent thought, but what a bonus that we both got birthday cake!!!

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 12:59 PM  


    Tracie let go a belly laugh at Jefferson's latest description of a "Chapelle Show" skit, but inside she realized that she was hollow and dying a little with each passing second.

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 1:03 PM  


    Despite knowing that Corona is not a very good beer, Teddy ordered three, hoping that his "lime rising in the bottle" trick might get him laid like it did in Guadlajara in '89. Well, the bottle trick and a twenty dollar bill did.

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 1:05 PM  


    Foreground: Amber distinctly remembered being attracted to Tim from across the bar due to his distinctive blue Oxford shirt, nicely shorn hair, and affinity for politics. Frankly, he was like no man she had ever seen in D.C.

    Background: Overheard, "Sometimes, I just shout a lot and hope that people will find me either funny or think that I display enough characteristics of a leader to give me responsibility. I HAVEN'T HAD A FRIEND IN EIGHT YEARS... HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!"

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 1:09 PM  


    "The Girlz" as they like to call themselves, proceeded to do another shot as an offering to their demigod, alcohol, which has enabled them and countless other mediocre-looking blondes to get attention, dates, and spouses, through the sacraments of the lights going down, the bar corner hook-up, the feigned coyness, the underperformance, and the morning after guilt trip.

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 1:13 PM  


    Angie knew she could do better. Hell, everyone knew she could do better. But after Teddy left his Corona bottle behind Luis and she realized that every single other man was wearing a button down, she decided to kiss him more out of boredom than anything else. At least she might get a dinner at Lauriol Plaza out of him.

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 1:16 PM  

  • Chico, I think when Shady Shades asked for comments he didn't mean all of them at one time. For the record, practically the entire Northwest DC area west of 17th Street and north of K street is racially sanitized. Here's a caption with the four young ladies: "Buffy, Pixie, Jacqueline, and Beth Ann are celebrating another $20,000 deposit into their bank accounts by their parents despite not having jobs. Says Buffy, 'Poor people tend to live in clusters. That's what my daddy told me'".

    By Blogger Big Worm, at 7:36 PM  

  • I love the 'Chaz' comment. That's great.

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