And in Pittsburgh News...

Why can I never find any positive news coming out of Pittsburgh? Or, for that matter, any real news? Gone are the days when you could read about, say, a brilliant researcher at the University of Pittsburgh developing a vaccine for polio. It seems that every other news story about Pittsburgh nowadays would lead an objective observer to believe that my city of birth is filled with freak-shows and social miscreants. To wit:

• Here's an article - on the front page of the Wall Street Journal, no less - about the country's only college student majoring in bagpipes. What school does he attend? Why, Carnegie Mellon, of course. The Journal poignantly notes: "...playing the instrument can make people feel like outcasts, even at Carnegie Mellon University." To demonstrate the versatility of the bagpipe, Nick Hudson (our protagonist) plays "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC. (I imagine he followed up with several of his favorite songs by Donnie Iris and the Cruisers.)

• In other college news, this 18-year old girl just got her MBA from Indiana University of Pennsylvania. But let's face it - IUP is no CMU.

• And here's breaking news from Pittsburgh: 14 ducks were found dead this morning in the Highland Park reservoir. According to the reservoir's executive director Greg Tutsock, "there could be any number of reasons" for the ducks' deaths. Such as mass suicide. Or, more likely, the toxic-ass water in the reservoir.

• Finally, in what perhaps could be considered positive news, Bam Morris is contemplating a comeback to the NFL. You may remember Bam from such felonies as being caught with four fucking pounds of weed in his truck. According to the other newspaper in Pittsburgh, Bam says: "If the Steelers would want to sign me, they wouldn't have to even buy me a plane ticket to get there. I'd drive." One hopes he would have the presence of mind to leave his weed at home this time.

Look, I don't mean to hate on the 'Burgh. It's not like we don't have our own problems here in DC...