Cafe 227

Saturday, July 08, 2006

E-vite Etiquette

I don't usually post personal stuff up here, but this really chapped my ass and I'd like to gauge the public's opinion on this. First, some background: Cafe 227 is throwing a party later this month (we do this from time to time to keep the masses happy). The three of us who actually live here ("pgh girl," "lady of the house," and me) bear the entire expense of these parties equally, including but not limited to beer (a substantial amount), liquor (also, a substantial amount), mixers, the DJ (not inexepensive), guest bartenders, decorations, various sundries, and the post-party cleaning crew. It's an expensive night for all of us, yet well worth it - it's an opportunity for us to reconnect with people whom we haven't seen in a while, and it's personally rewarding to continually throw the dopest parties in town. (And make no mistake, our parties are the dopest.)

Now, there's this guy I know - let's call him AJ Hawk (after my favorite young NFL prospect). I like AJ. But I don't know AJ very well. He's a friend of a friend, and we play basketball together occassionally, but that's really it. Nonetheless, I usually invite AJ to our parties. Last winter, we threw an ill-conceived yet incredibly fun adult entertainment-themed party to which I invited AJ. He called me up and asked if he could forward the e-vite to some of his friends. Of course, I had no objection. The thing is, he forwarded it on to 30+ people before I had to eventually disable the "invite more people" option on the e-vite. I casually confronted AJ about this (i.e., "You know AJ, when you said 'some' friends, I thought you meant 3 or 4..."), and he kind of bristled and gave me a circuitous answer ("well, I've got a lot of friends, and most of them won't come anyway..."), and that was that. I assumed he had gotten the point - that we (the 4 other financiers and I) were uncomfortable with him inviting such a large number of people whom we didn't know to a party we were paying for - and I didn't want to belabor the issue.

Now, fast forward to earlier this week - I'm about to send the e-vite out for our upcoming party, and I'm deciding whether or not to include AJ. On one hand, I thought, I like AJ and he always enjoys our parties, but on the other hand, AJ might forward it to 30 people again. Ultimately, I decided to include AJ - I figured he got the hint last time, and if he didn't, I would just tell him "no" when he asked me if he could invite some friends this time.

The thing is, AJ didn't ask this time - he just went ahead and added 60+ of his closest friends to the e-vite.

Yesterday, during a particularly boring conference call, I decided to check the responses to the e-vite. That's when I noticed that the list of invitees swelled from 160 to 220 overnight. And of course, all the new names I didn't recognize were added by one guest: AJ. I was apoplectic. I shot AJ an angry e-mail, and we went back and forth. Here's the correspondence in its entirety:

_____________________

From: [Johnny Shades]
To: [AJ]
Subject: Are you serious

[AJ], you forwarded the evite to our party to over 60 people. Are you f-ing insane!? I mean, 3 or 4 people is one thing - but 60!?
_____________________

From: [AJ]
To: [Johnny Shades]
Subject: Re: Are you serious

Maybe 5 of them will come - don't be an evite-nazi.

You're porn party was a hit, wasn't it?
_____________________

From: [Johnny Shades]
To: [AJ]
Subject: Re: Are you serious

[AJ], there's an objective difference between being an "e-vite nazi" and objecting to a guest forwarding an e-vite to 60+ people. Seriously, what goes through your mind - "here are three people (only one of whom I actually know) who are spending several hundred dollars of their hard-earned money to have their friends and acquaintences for a party at their house, which can only fit 100 or so people anyway. What the heck, I think I'll invite 60 of my friends whom no one knows to drink their alcohol."

Seriously, think about how inconsiderate that is.

___________________

From: [AJ]
To: [Johnny Shades]
Subject: Re: Are you serious

It's at a bar isn't it?

There are a lot of better or comparable options that night anyway, I wouldn't worry about it.

A friend of mine wrote an article for the NYTimes about Evites that mentioned me. She also said how Evites have created in some a "virtual-bouncer" like mentality due to the obsessive oversight allowed by evite that can go into planning a party...

_____________________

From: [Johnny Shades]
To: [AJ]
Subject: Re: Are you serious

It's at our house, not at a bar. And again, "obsessive oversight" is a lot different than "inviting 60 f*cking people that no one knows." Everyone's inviting 2 or 3 other people, that's fine. You invited 60 - or more than 1/3 of our original list of 160. That's right - you forwarded the invite to more people than either [girl of the house], [pgh girl], or me - who actually live at the house and are paying for the party. Don't get defensive, just think about how inconsiderate that is. Absolutely NO ONE else who was invited forwarded it on to more than 4 or 5 other people. That says something about acceptable social behavior, don't you think?

___________________

From: [AJ]
To: [Johnny Shades]
Subject: Re: Are you serious

Many were folks you had at your porn party...thus me forwarding it to them.

This is funny because obviously if you wanted a closed invite list, you would've turned off the invite more people option

Don't sweat it, maybe 3-5 of them will come.

Should be good, I'll try to make it.

_____________________

From: [Johnny Shades]
To: [AJ]
Subject: Re: Are you serious

I don't think I'm conveying how angry I am in the e-mail. I hope you can make it, but I also hope you realize what you did is completely socially unacceptable and thoughtless. I mean, we want people to invite 3 or 4 of their friends. But 60? Imagine if everyone invited 60 other people...

___________________

From: [AJ]
To: [Johnny Shades]
Subject: Re: Are you serious

I'm sorry. I had no idea. I'll tell folks not to come. I figured if you wanted to actually talk with me about something you would have had the courage to call and not send an email, which I took lightly.

Understand where I'm coming from...I get a lot of evites. Many people send me evites all the time with the intent to have me send it around to good folks. Very often, people even ask me to so that they get a better turnout of good folks even asking me to reply 'yes' to an evite even if I can't make it. I've even been approached to promote events and such as well through evite, have never done it. Those are much, much bigger lists of acquaintences. I sent your soiree to close friends in light of thinking it was at a bar called 'cafe something'.

Listen, it would be thoughtless and unacceptable if 50 people showed up at your house, and trashed it. If a virtual rsvp counter has 50 people who won't make the party, (maybe a few people that would stop by for an hour) I think you are getting angry over nothing esp. since it's a long time away away from what will be a packed weekend of parties.
_____________

At that point, I was too furious to respond, and someone was asking me something in the conference call that I had to scramble to answer since I wasn't paying attention for the last 45 minutes. But that last e-mail left me livid. I mean first of all, he knows that Cafe 227 is our house, not a bar - he's been to our parties before. Second, I don't know if he's serious about people asking him to promote their parties for them - but even if that's true, why would he assume that's what we wanted? Seriously, why we would he assume - without asking me - that we wanted him to invite 60 of his so-called "close friends" (and who has 60 close friends anyway!?!) because they are supposedly good folks and their appearance alone on the e-vite would lead to a better turnout? Third, I was enraged that he suggested I didn't have the "courage" to call him in the middle of a workday while on a conference call, and that me not calling him somehow meant that I wasn't serious.

Anyway, I'm not posting this lengthy, rambling diatribe to call AJ Hawk out in a public forum. Well I am, kind of. But I'm also curious to hear what you think. Is there something I'm missing here? Was I justified in my indignation? Or is AJ right - am I being an overly obsessive "e-vite nazi"?

19 Comments:

  • You're in the right, man. First, you specifically told him not to invite 40-60 people to your get-together the last time, and he went ahead and did it again. That seems like he was inviting 60 people for the sole purpose of pissing you off.

    And he's completely arrogant about it in more ways than one. (I hate when people say "I'll try and stop by" -- the true sign of an insecure person, trying to imply that his/her social life is so chock full of activities that "trying to stop by" is the only option they can give people). All you can do is let it rest and never invite him to any of your parties again.

    By Blogger Wicketywack, at 9:56 AM  

  • aziz -- what a fucking tool. i am enraged from just reading your email correspondence with this douchebag. i agree with all of lonnie's points so don't feel the need to repeat. and i thought dr.j was bad... you need to bring chuck d to the courts next time you play with this cocksucker.

    -alayne

    ps. excuse my language. just working through my anger. ha.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:33 AM  

  • What a cocky bastard. He thinks that he's cool enough to promote parties, and forward your evite on to all those people. At least he should have talked to you first, offered to pitch in, co-host the party, etc. If I were you, I'd tell him to tell his 60 not to come, or to offer up cash, and he's no longer invited to come.

    Besides, even if you had turned off the 'send to more people' option, he probably would of just told them word of mouth anyway - he sounds like that kind of guy.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:07 AM  

  • This guy is completely in the wrong, Johnny. It was inconsiderate to invite that many people to your party. However, the e-mail exchange went far beyond that. He's insulting you repeatedly. And let's be honest, he is not anywhere remotely as cool or as important as he's making himself out to be. I guarantee that no one has ever asked him to promote a party.

    And I second Alayne - I would like to see Chuck D go to work on him.

    By Blogger AC Milan, at 3:18 PM  

  • I agree with everything that's already been said by others. The guy is totally pompous, also trying to deflect your anger by citing some NYT article. WTF? I'd unvite his bastard ass. Cause if he's there, and I'm there, there's a chance I'll make out with him, and lord we don't want that.

    Who the hell is busy with "tons of parties" in a few weeks anyway. Shit, I haven't even decided what I'm doing tonight, let alone three weeks from now.

    By Blogger Melissa, at 4:15 PM  

  • i cringed when i read what this post was about. one of my biggest pet peeves is when people invite others to MY parties. especially when the invitors (is that a word?) are people i don't really know/like to beging with. especially without asking. if i wanted to have a bigger guest list, i would have scrounged for people myself. i'm having the party, i come up with the guest list. this guy is an ass. you were quite diplomatic in your responses. he didn't deserve it...and doesn't deserve any other invites.

    By Blogger lala, at 8:29 AM  

  • I'm sorry--but the above commenters are flat wrong. This is your fault. People like this guy don't wake up one morning and stop being inconsiderate pricks. You shouldn't have invited him in the first place, and you should have disabled the "invite more people" option from the evite. Duh. This guy isn't your BFF, never has been. Your party would have been perfectly fine--great, even--without him. And you would have been spared all of this hassle.

    Whatever happened to trimming the fat?
    -aye.list

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:55 AM  

  • Thanks for everyone's support here, but there's a lot of truth in what Aye.list says too. To give you a little more context, here was my thought process: I really wasn't going to invite AJ, but he's a friend of a very good friend of mine, so he would have certainly found out about the party. And, while I normally wouldn't be concerned with hurting someone's feelings (especially excess "fat"), AJ is the organizer of a basketball team I play for. And quite honestly, I really would like to continue playing on the team...

    As for why we didn't turn off the "invite more people" option - we encourage people to invite their friends (you've been to our parties, they're pretty large affairs), and it's better to have them respond so that we know how many supplies to buy. No one has ever abused this feature to this particular degree before.

    That said - I was absolutely mistaken to assume that AJ either got the hint last time we had a party or would've asked me before inviting 60 of his closest friends this time. I think I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, and time and time again I have to learn the hard way that they don't deserve it.

    By Blogger Johnny Shades, at 1:01 PM  

  • "I think I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, and time and time again I have to learn the hard way that they don't deserve it."

    Don't be a chump. That's all I'm saying.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:51 PM  

  • Wow...you're completely in the right. This guy is insane...there just isn't any other word. Personally, I have no tolerance for those "promoter" type people...the ones that always know where the party is, get tables at clubs, have 200 "close friends." They're tools and douchebags and should be avoided at all costs. This guy is an ass. That was completely rude of him to do, especially after you complained the first time. And to totally brush off your e-mail (what was up with that NY Times story?)just goes to show how out of touch he is. Delete his contact info and count yourself lucky...

    By Blogger Alejandra Ramos, at 9:37 PM  

  • Gotta go the aye.list route.

    Why are you so shocked and amazed that the guy did the exact same thing twice? Someone who invites 30 people to someone else's party is lacking social awareness to the point that, in being called out on it, STILL won't get it.

    I think your anger is misplaced. As the Great George Bush II once said, "fool me once, shame on me. fool me twice . . . well . . . well, I guess the point is you're not going to keep on fooling us, you know?"

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:17 AM  

  • Is this dude's real name Erik P by any chance? If not, Erik has even that guy beat, he keeps a list of 300 people he invites to every single evite he ever receives.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:10 AM  

  • I cannot comment on A. J. Hawk's true identity...

    By Blogger Johnny Shades, at 11:03 AM  

  • Johnny, your basketball skills transcend being on "teams." After countless hours in that basketball playland, Yates Field House, I can attest that you do not need anyone to select you for his "team." I'm sure that you can find another one and it will hopefully rid you of this bama forever.

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 11:26 AM  

  • Also, his misuse of "you're" demonstrates a lack of internet etiquette far beyond this "e-vite" transgression, I think we all know that he MEANT to type "ur".

    By Blogger Chico's Bail Bonds, at 11:29 AM  

  • I get the fool me once, fool me twice theory but most people tend to use "Three Strikes and..."

    Anyhow, you gave him the benefit of the doubt and just don't give him a third chance. He has already proven he has no sense.

    You shoulda invited me! ;->

    By Blogger Red, at 12:10 PM  

  • Hahaha...Aziz, that is what happens when you invite broke-ass, entre-po niggas to the Cafe 227 Club!! 60 goddamn people?? I am seriously laughing down here in the dirty South. As my table of classmates would see, "two to the body and one to the head" for that bama (if you need clarification ask me later). That guy is a BFL, Aziz. I miss Huggie Lowdown down here. I won't be able to make it, but I thought I would invite the entire campus of about 5000 people to your place. Is that cool? Don't be such an email Nazi!!! LMAO...

    By Blogger Big Worm, at 8:51 PM  

  • Dude, if you point this dude out to me at your party I'll kick him in the dick for you.

    Seriously, what a dipshit? I can't begin to count the transgressions. Who is this dude? He sounds like such a d-bag I can't even believe it. Did anyone else get that he boasts that the NYTimes article mentions him? As what? "According to A.J., seen by many on the scene as a party "douchebag," evite is truly ruining the party scene. Before, high schoolers would run rampant at 'parents away' parties. Children, in the absence of their parents, would throw mammoth parties and, in their attempts to seek peer approval, often felt constrained in denying entry to drunken football players, who would later have sex with their cheerleader girlfriends on their parents bed and frequently piss down the air conditioning vents. Now, with the advent of evite, these issues are a thing of the past! Teenage rebels can now carefully scrutinize the guest list in advance, and know exactly which ne'er-do-wells to keep away!"

    God I hope your friend doesn't really bring 30 people. What kind of complete dipshit friends must he have? He sounds so self-inflated and dipshitty that most of the 30 people probably find him annoying as shit and think "why the eff does this d-bag keep sending me these evites?"

    By Blogger red storm, at 10:30 AM  

  • What I find most upsetting, as I always would, is A.J.'s chronic need to feel important. He invited 60 folks to your party because he wants to be associated with it in the minds of those he invites, whether they ultimately attend or not. As I recall, this same rhymes-with-mouchebag tried to take credit as author of your humorous party FAQ e-mail last fall.

    Back to my point though. The subtext of each of his faux-"live and let live" e-mails is "I am cool. I am important. I matter. See?":

    E.g.

    "A friend of mine wrote an article for the NYTimes about Evites that mentioned me."

    "Should be good, I'll try to make it."

    "Understand where I'm coming from...I get a lot of evites. Many people send me evites all the time with the intent to have me send it around to good folks. Very often, people even ask me to so that they get a better turnout of good folks even asking me to reply 'yes' to an evite even if I can't make it. I've even been approached to promote events and such as well through evite, have never done it. Those are much, much bigger lists of acquaintences. I sent your soiree to close friends . . ."

    To paraphrase Madame Thatcher, being important is like being a lady; if you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

    Also, a man who I count among my most admired once wrote,

    "Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm. But the harm does not interest them."

    JS, you do not have enough time on Earth to waste time with a trifling nobody like this. Find a new basketball team and respect yourself.

    Regards.

    By Blogger Conor, at 8:50 AM  

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