Cafe 227

The Return of Borf, the Ghostbusters Endorse Obama, and Other Observations

2008-03-07T22:50:00.006-05:00

I think it's safe to call the Cafe 227 blog "defunct." I mean, I don't even live in DC anymore, let alone the actual Cafe 227 (which exists at an undisclosed location off of U Street). I am, however, in between jobs, which means I have a little bit of time on my hands. As such, I thought I'd take this time to document a few random observations of mine here in New York (where I now live).

1. Borf Lives

See, I always thought Borf was entirely a DC phenomenon. I remember nearly driving my car off the Roosevelt bridge one evening when I saw his enormous head on an overhead sign. Anyway, I thought I saw the last of Borf when I moved from the 202. But last night, as I was walking home from the office, I saw this on a fire hydrant near the intersection of 5th Avenue and Central Park South...

2. Gray's Papaya Steals Ghostbusters' Tag Line to Endorse Obama

The biggest things I miss about DC so far (other than my remaining friends) are (1) go go music, (2) Gilbert Arenas, and (3) Ben's Chili Bowl. The lack of an analogue to Ben's famous chili half smoke here in NY has been absolutely disappointing. There is, however, a half decent hot dog joint about 10 blocks from my apartment called Gray's Papaya. They're kind of a New York institution. And they seem to be strangely politically active as far as hot dog joints go. For most of this primary season, they've been trying to convince Michael Bloomberg to run. But now that he's officially out, Gray's has a new horse in the race -- Barack Obama.

The thing is, check out Gray's adaptation of Obama's campaign slogan:

"We are ready to believe again." Doesn't that conjure up memories of another NY institution?

3. Weird Weather Hits NY

So I've been using NetVibes obsessively lately to keep checklists, aggregate blog posts, etc. I recently installed a weather module that alerts me to the current and forecast conditions outside based on universally-understood graphics. For instance, if it's going sunny, NetVibes shows me a picture of a big yellow sun. And so on. Yesterday, I saw a new picture alerting me to some strange weather conditions this coming Sunday:

I think Sunday's picture is supposed to signal either (1) wind or (2) tasty cinnabons flying through the air.

4. iPod "Classic"

I stopped by the fancy Apple store inside the GM building this morning to buy an athletic armband case for my iPod, which will come in handy in some purely theoretical, non-existent universe in which I exercise. I showed the saleskid my 12-month old, 60 gig video iPod so he could find the best product for me.

"Oh, the iPod Classic," he said. "We don't really carry armbands for those anymore."

"Classic?", I replied, flabbergasted. "I just bought this thing 12 months ago. Paid top dollar. Now it's classic?"

"Yeah, you should buy the Nano. It's like your classic iPod, but really small."

I did not end up buying the Nano. But, I did find a nice, reasonably priced athletic armband case for my "classic" iPod on Amazon.com...

Help Fight Depression and Stop Suicide

2007-10-25T16:30:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it's been awhile since I (or anyone for that matter) posted on Cafe 227. Probably because Cafe 227 itself does not have a blogger occupant, but that's debatable.

In any event, I am using this vehicle to shamelessly appeal to the 5 of you left who have RSS feeds of the blog.

After graduation from law school and while studying for the Bar, a very close friend killed himself. It was a huge shock and, for those who have never had someone close to them commit suicide, let me tell you it is unbelievably difficult as, beyond the grieving over losing someone, there is an inescapable, gnawing sense of guilt that you "could've done something" or you missed the signs or a million other things that keep you up and make you wonder how someone you cared about could be suffering so much in front of you and you were too clueless to notice.

My friend Dave was the life of every party and one of the smartest people I've ever met (along with Johnny Shades and Conor). His death was a huge loss to the world and the result of a disease that is more deadly than cancer (as far as number of persons killed), but more treatable.

In any event, Dave's friends and family have started a foundation, The Dave Nee Foundation, and the second annual fundraiser is a Casino Night at Capitale in Manhattan on 11/7. If anyone reading this is in New York and wants to go, information is on the website. If you can't go or are broke, all I ask you to do is simply be alert to signs of depression both in yourself and in those you care about. Depression is treatable in almost all cases, but it takes a ton of persistence and courage.

Settlin' Scores

2007-07-02T15:10:00.000-04:00

So... my brother-in-law and I like to argue about pretty much everything. When we used to live near each other, we would take different sides on just about any issue and argue the merits until someone either conceded the debate or everyone got so annoyed that they told us to shut up. The most frustrating thing was that we could never get anyone to just flat out say, "He's right," and declare a winner.

Once I moved away, my brother-in-law had more time on his hands since I wasn't around to argue with... so he invented a website (or, more precisely, hired people to design a website) that I think is an answer to my prayers. It's called eSquabb!e, here's the cute logo:

and you can link to it here.

So far I've won some arguments and lost some, but I at least was declared a winner or a loser.

Check it out if you get a chance.

Half-Smoke: Not a Hot Dog

2007-06-27T07:29:00.000-04:00

Here's my beef (pun intended; it's late) with Melissa Frederick's coverage of Ben's Chili Bowl's expansion in the Examiner.

"Ben's Chili Bowl...[is] a pioneer of D.C.'s signature food, the half smoke, a type of hot dog."

The half-smoke is no more a "type of hot dog" than a steak is a type of hamburger. It's clearly a sausage. (In fact, I would go so far as to classify "hot dog" as a type of sausage - "sausage" is the more general term, referring to all types of meats that are minced and stuffed into an outer shell or casing.)

No doubt that this reporter from the Examiner just moved to DC from, say, Indianapolis, and has no idea what a half-smoke is. So she just copied what she found on Wikipedia. And we all know that Wikipedia isn't exactly a paragon of accuracy. (My friend and occasional Cafe 227 co-contributor Conor, a distinguished attorney, was once listed on the Notorious BIG's Wikipedia page as having collaborated with Biggie on a rap song...)

"Thoughts and Prayers"

2007-06-19T10:38:00.000-04:00

The recent death of Indiana football coach Terry Hoeppner is an absolute tragedy. Unfortunately, it has provoked the familiar litany of press-release mourning:

The Indiana AD Rick Greenspan said, "This is a truly sad day for our community and all of our thoughts and prayers are with the Hoeppner family and to those whose lives he has touched."

So many times we hear this increasingly trite phrase:

-- Upon the death of a Marine ("I extend my deepest thoughts and prayers to his family at this time." -Senator Olympia Snowe)

-- After a burst boiler at a rubber plant ("First and foremost, our thoughts and prayers are with (Evans))

-- In the wake of the drowning of an 11 year old boy ("Accidents can truly happen," he said. "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the family.")

I'm not trying to minimize the impact of these events or their tragic implications, quite the contrary. I am baffled that people, in a time when families are clinging to every word they hear and trying to pick up the pieces after a tragedy, succumb to laziness and use a virtually meaningless phrase.

I remember in the wake of the Virginia Tech shootings, every politician discussed how his/her "thoughts and prayers are with the families." This took 2 seconds.

Why couldn't someone, when asked, try to say something meaningful, like, "I truly cannot imagine what these people are going through. It is unspeakable pain. I wish there was something I could say or do to improve the situation, but I just can't. I'm going to try to make sure the families have the resources they need, both emotionally and financially, and work to try to prevent something like this from happening."

Or even,

"I just don't know what to say."

But "thoughts and prayers"? All it shows is that you have neither thought nor prayed about the grief you're trying to assuage.

Two American Heroes

2007-06-14T14:20:00.000-04:00

I took this picture when I was at Pittsburgh International Airport a few weeks ago:

The one on the left is Franco Harris. The one on the right I didn't recognize, but the placard beneath him said that he was responsible for the Whiskey Rebellion. Jerk.

More Evidence that Starbucks is Evil

2007-05-27T23:49:00.001-04:00

I'm sorry, you can't just call a Rice Krispie treat a "Crispy Marshmallow Bar" and sell it for $2. There's something very un-American about that.

Where Have You Gone, Joe DiMaggio, and What About the Sportswriters Who Wrote About You?

2007-05-25T14:56:00.000-04:00

I have been having this discussion with people on this blog, chat rooms, and in person on-and-off for ten years, so many are probably sick of hearing me talk about it, but a few recent articles have forced me to proselytize yet again. I am outraged and concerned at the demise of the talented sportswriter (beat or otherwise). It's past the point of crisis for sports fans. A few examples.

Jayson Stark, a mediocre ESPN columnist, is attempting to make money by writing a book about Overrated and Underrated baseball players. You can read his internet column about it here. His first two lines ("I never set out to be The Ultimate Czar of Overratedness and Underratedness. It just happened.") followed by some yuckster back-tracking and explaining is basically standard ESPN columnist fare these days.

Bill Simmons, who is entertaining once every fifth column, continues to tarnish the sports journalism world by lacing his very solid analysis with bathroom humor.

Arash Markazi still has a job.

Mitch "I plagiarize but people love me because I make them feel good about their dead relatives" Albom still has a job!

Jeff Schultz (of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution) who writes. In Fragments (example here.) All the time. And no one. Likes him. Still has a job.

Heck, even Deadspin seems tired lately.

Somewhere along the way, sports journalism has died. Now, I think there are a few noble souls who still genuinely try to practice the lost art of solid analysis, non-hyperbolous yet soaring description, and piercing insight. I would say Tim Kurkjian, Peter Gammons, Wilbon, David O'Brien (Atlanta Journal-Constitution) Rick Reilly (sometimes), Dr. Z, and Peter King (again, sometimes), are fighting the good fight. Beyond that, we are condemned to having to endure the same in-your-face, over-the-top, let-me-try-to-keep-up-with-the-times hack journalism in every market on a daily basis.

Sports remain as popular as ever and there is no shortage of people interested in them. What, pray tell, is keeping the talented writers who love sports away from devoting their lives to writing about them?

One of the arguments I've heard is that ESPN, like CNN did to regular news, has created an "instant gratification" culture where writers are expected to turn around stories immediately and, thus, quality suffers. I've also heard sportswriters accused of the type of Woodward & Bernstein "Gotcha" journalism that has made athletes limit their access.

These arguments simply don't hold up. Every sports fan knows that if you want the score and the brief synopsis, you can go online or watch SportsCenter. What I (and many others) crave is a return to that thoughtful, well-crafted piece on our beloved team that informs us about the mundane and lifts our spirits with stories of hope for the future (that next hot prospect, that possible trade) in soaring prose that demonstrated a passion for the game that the writer was covering.

Does anyone else feel this way? Am I imagining this decline or do you see it, too?

America's Finest City....(cough cough)

2007-05-18T19:44:00.000-04:00

Guess who's back in the motherf$#@ing house??? I am sure everyone was sad to see Big Worm's posting disappear like scoring in the NBA playoffs. I only have about 15 minutes before my weekend furlough begins. Some recent thoughts and events in my life:

1) 3 weeks ago I went back to D.C. for my bachelor party. It was hosted by the incomparable Alex "From Miami but my Spanish is questionable" Grau. Had a great time. Got seriously drunk for the first time and promptly threw up. I don't know how everyone did that 2-3 times a week in college. I'm folding my drinking cards and cashing in whatever I have left. If you want pics, ask Grau.

2) When I found out about Shawn Bradley's broken wrist, I was initially saddened. When I then found out the circumstances surrounding the broken wrist (trying to block a girl's shot but falling because she pump-faked the shit out of him), I couldn't stop laughing. Shades, you are a special person. At least you can still reach a "happy ending" with your strong hand. Bama.

3) Being out here is not that much fun. Autumn hates the weather, her new job, and being so far from her family. Other than that, she's having a blast. And we are poorer than two cockroaches on East Capitol Street. I have been eating the same sandwiches for lunch for the past 4 months. Work for me is slow. No one really talks to me, it's difficult to start working on my own case, and I don't have anybody assigned to me as a Field Training Officer (the norm for most offices). Plus, when I see new graduates going to closer field offices, it makes me even more upset. We might be back there sooner rather than later.

Enough for now. Be safe out there.

The Most Romantic City, Brought to You by Cialis

2007-04-23T22:46:00.000-04:00

On the same day my neighborhood was ranked the second bloggiest 'hood in the U.S., I also learned that my hometown of Pittsburgh was named the country's most romantic city for baby boomers in a survey sponsored by Cialis (thus giving new meaning to the "Steel City" moniker).

This is horrible news for the city of Pittsburgh - the last thing the aging city needs is an influx of 45- to 60-year olds in search of love and companionship. So to all you baby boomers out there, listen up - Cialis' methodology was deeply flawed. In developing their rankings, Cialis looked to floral sales among major U.S. cities. Pittsburgh, of course, was ranked quite high in this category - but not because it's some mecca of romance. Rather, it's because everyone's dying, which has obviously led to a sharp increase in floral sales. If you're truly looking for romance, I'd start at the bottom of Cialis' list and work your way up. Miami was ranked next-to-last - you'll fit right in down there...

(The USX Tower, brought to you by Cialis.)

Kitschy Beer Fun That Makes Coors Light Taste Good

2007-04-20T17:29:00.000-04:00

While visiting the in-laws in the Garden State recently, my brother-in-law and I traipsed down to the local watering hole. Poor Herbie's of Madison, New Jersey, is an absolutely delightful bar whose clientele is a mixture of students from the neighboring schools of Drew University and Fairleigh Dickinson and slightly older guys like us. It has cheap pitchers and great food. We got a table and ordered a pitcher of Coors Light. The bartender (Dennis) asked us if we'd like to try the new "beer lantern" his distributor gave him. We responded immediately that yes, we would so enjoy the "beer lantern." He proceeded to place ice in the middle of the lantern, fill it from the tap, and then flip on the light. The display was absolutely magical. A photo of a similar product is below.

Needless to say, every other table envied our beer lantern and quickly ordered one as well. Bartenders, heed the call: contact your distributors and order many, many of these devices so that we may all enjoy tasty beverages as coldly as possible and have them light up, magically, before our eyes.

Grandmaster Flash at the 930 Club - Maybe Nas is Right...

2007-04-12T22:58:00.000-04:00

It was a night of contradictions for me. It was the beginning of April, yet it was snowing. I was at Ben's Chili Bowl at 4am, yet I wasn't eating anything.

Grandmaster Flash was spinning a Lil Jon track.

An 11-year old white kid was the best B-boy in the house.

I went to see Grandmaster Flash spin at the 930 club last weekend. As you know, Grandmaster Flash is a hip-hop legend. He was recently inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame along with the Furious Five, making them the first hip hop group to receive that honor. He was also the first DJ to use a turntable as an instrument, which I was perpetually reminded of throughout the night by a large sign on stage that said "Grandmaster Flash: The First DJ to Use a Turntable as an Instrument."

And for the first hour or so, he lived up to his legend. Despite coming on (much) later than expected, he wasted no time, masterfully scratching over tracks varying from Afrika Bambaataa to Nirvana. I was right up front, so close that I could make out the gender of the kangaroo on his beret. (It was female.)

To say that I was elated would be an understatement.

Then, he cleared a circle in the middle of the club to let the B-boys do their thing. That's when I first realized that something was awry. All the B-boys were skinny white teenagers, presumably from suburban Maryland. Well, all except for this kid, who won't be a teenager for a few more years...

He went by the name of "Shamrock," and he was actually pretty good. Nonetheless, his presence didn't exactly replicate the ambiance of the Bronx in the early '80s when Grandmaster Flash would lay beats down for Kurtis Blow, Melle Mel, etc.

After the Bethesda Breakers were done doing their thing, Grandmaster Flash apparently decided to mail it in. He set up his MacBook Pro on stage, put on an extended playlist that was heavy on contemporary southern hip-hop (which I'm absolutely convinced is destroying the genre), and occasionally shouted something incomprehensible over the mic.

No more scratching, no more using the "turntable as an instrument" - just intermittent barking as Lil Jon implored us to snap our fingers. It was like going to El Bulli and having Ferran Adria serve you a Whopper.

Of course, the crowd loved it.

I can't explain it. Maybe Grandmaster Flash is just too old these days. Or maybe I am...

The George Washington University Hospital Emergency Room: A Running Diary

2007-03-14T13:14:00.000-04:00

Two nights ago, after injuring my wrist playing basketball, I made the conscious decision to visit the Emergency Room. Normally, I avoid the ER (and doctors in general) as much as possible, but I became concerned when my hand turned blue and I lost feeling in my fingers. I've been to the ER before; I know what a long, frustrating shit-show it can be. So I decided to keep a running diary of my ER experience to pass the time and document the fun. (And yes, I stole this gimmick from the Sports Guy. But only because I wanted to extend him the highest form of flattery, not because I was being creatively lazy. Those are two completely different things.)

11:57pm - I pull up to the Emergency Room at the George Washington University Hospital at 900 23rd Street NW. (Sorry Georgetown. GW treats high-ranking government officials. You guys inject saline solution into patients using contaminated needles. I had to put my loyalties aside here.) Unlike most of the time, I was able to navigate Washington Circle without nearly causing a 4-car pileup, and I found a parking space within minutes. The West End is quite pleasant on Mondays at midnight.

11:59pm - I walk through the front door. There is a woman at the receptionist's desk who is irate. She is violently waving a clipboard. Eventually, she shouts an obscenity and tries to leave the building, but a security guard stops her and informs her that she can't vacate the premises with the hospital's clipboard. So she decides to stay.

12:03am - I decide that it is now safe to approach the receptionist. I smile at her; she smiles back. I've developed a rapport! Time to apply the charm - maybe it'll get me out of here faster.

12:04am - She asks for my insurance card. I feign surprise. "Insurance? I need insurance?" She does not see any humor in this. Apparently, my assessment of the situation was premature.

12:12am - I return the paperwork to the receptionist. Before returning to my seat, I ask her how long it's going to take. "One hour, two hours?" I naively ask. "Much longer than that," she replies. She throws in a sinister laugh at the end for dramatic effect.

12:25am - Sitting down. Watching Jimmy Kimmel. Getting hungry. Need... food...

12:27am - Jackpot! I find the vending machine. I purchase a bottled water, a bag of Ranch Doritos, and two Strawberry Pop Tarts, and quickly scarf everything down. Apparently, sitting in the waiting room of the ER is kind of like getting high.

12:40am - The receptionist is walking towards me. It must be my turn, after only 40 minutes! See, I knew that I had developed a special rapport... oh wait, she's just coming to give me a hospital bracelet. Nevermind.

12:44am - The triage nurse calls me to his cubicle for some preliminary information. He looks just like Dolph Lundgren, if Dolph were a 5' 6", 145-pound male figure skater.

12:45am - Bizarro-Dolph asks me to describe the pain. "Painful," I reply.

12:46am - Bizarro-Dolph gives me a second bracelet - a bright orange one to reward me for being allergic to aspirin.

12:54am - Back in the waiting room. Two security guards are stealthily approaching a sleeping woman. Then, like pumas on the hunt, they pounce. "Who did you check in with, ma'am? Where's your bracelet? What do you mean YOU DON'T HAVE A BRACELET?!?" Oh snap, they just busted a homeless person! That's probably the first time that has ever happened here.

12:57am - My turn, at last! They lead me to a second waiting room behind a curtain.

1:07am - Waiting...

1:15am - Waiting...

1:22am - Hey, there's a supply drawer in here. "Q-Tips," "Xmas Trees," "Airways"... Xmas Trees? This seems like an odd place to store holiday decorations.

1:27am - I'm staring at one of those doohickeys that they hang IV bags and other fluids on. It kind of resembles those toys for babies that you hang above their cribs so they can stare at the pretty planets or flying unicorns as they lay there drooling, barely sentient. Isn't it poetic symmetry that many of us enter and depart the world laying on our backs, drooling and barely sentient, staring up at a hanging doohickey? Oh my god, I am high.

1:30am - Gosh this is taking long. Maybe I'll read that New Yorker on the table.

1:32am - Well I'll be damned. Chuck Brown, the Godfather of Go Go, is playing at Joe's Pub in New York's East Village on April 19! I just saw Chuck play (he opened for the Roots at Constitution Hall last week), and my friend and I were discussing whether or not Chuck tours outside of DC. We decided that he doesn't, since Go-Go doesn't carry much appeal beyond the DC metro area. I guess we were wrong.

1:40am - I'm reading a fascinating book review about the history of dueling. Did you know that the Queen of England he Queen still retains an official dueling champion who stands ready to challenge anyone who disputes her sovereignty?

1:43am - Finally, the doctor-in-residence arrives. She's about 22 years old and looks like she's been up for 4 straight days. She says she has to listen to my lungs first. Whatever. She asks if I smoke. "Of course not," I reply. Then, for no apparent reason, I start coughing uncontrollably. The doctor looks at me disdainfully.

1:55am - Time for my x-ray. They take me to a different waiting room.

2:02am - Waiting...

2:06am - Waiting...

2:08am - Dammit, I wish that incessant "beeping" sound would stop. It's giving me a headache.

2:10am - I complain about the "beeping" noise to a nurse I see in the hall. "So, what you're saying is you want that patient in there to flatline?" she asks, pointing to a room from whence the sound is coming. I decide that the beeping sound is ok.

2:18am - Well, at least they're keeping up the pretense that they intend to x-ray me tonight. I mean, I see the x-ray machine through a window in the room right next to me. There's just no one around to operate it.

2:20am - I decide that I'm not angry about waiting here for this long, because at least I'm going to get some quality care tonight. Had I gone to the ER at the Georgetown University Hospital, they would have given me a swift kick in the shin, injected me with saline to numb the pain, and sent me on my merry way.

2:22am - Finally, the x-ray technician! He looks like a Rastafarian. Maybe he can tell me how I mysteriously got high.

2:27am - Buju Banton leads me back to the room but doesn't close the curtains. He must be worried that I'm going to steal the Xmas trees.

2:35am - I overhear two doctors talking about some patient whom they refer to as "bronchitis girl." It seems that "bronchitis girl" is getting cranky, so they're going to release her. Even in my exhausted state, this strikes me as an exceedingly bad idea.

2:44am - Still no x-ray results. I guess they just don't pop out of the machine like Polaroids.

2:48am - The doctor-in-residence is approaching me. She has the x-rays in her hand. Oh god, please don't be broken, please, please...

2:49am - "It's broken dude." Hey, thanks dude.

2:49am - "But the good news is it's a clean break." Yes, that makes me feel much better.

Postscript - So there you have it. I actually didn't leave the ER until around 4am, but because they were putting me in a splint, I wasn't able to jot down any notes. Also, I was completely catatonic by that point, so I'm not sure I could've written anything coherent. I'll be in this cast for 4-6 weeks, but worse things have happened to better people, so who am I to complain?

To Catch THE Predator

2007-03-05T10:27:00.001-05:00

Child molestation is not funny. But this is.

The International Mixtape Project, and Session Americana

2007-02-25T18:51:00.000-05:00

I have two music-related plugs for you. I hope you will indulge me.

A friend of mine finally finished the web page for his "International Mixtape Project," or "IMP" for short. (Get it? "'IMP' for short?" I'm hilarious.) According to the website,"[t]he International Mixtape Project is a growing community of music lovers who exchange homemade compilation tapes and CDs with likeminded folks around the globe. Every month, each active IMP member is assigned the name and address of another member somewhere else in the world. The rest is simple: Send an awesome mix...Receive an awesome mix!" This is a great project, and I hope you'll take the time to check it out.

My junior-year college roommate, Kimon Kirk, is blowing up (musically speaking), so it's time to give him some props. (I've been plugging my other junior-year roommate, the Big Injun, for way too long. It's time for some new blood.) If you live in or around Boston, be sure to check out his band, Session Americana, at the Lizard Lounge in Cambridge, MA on March 8th and 9th. And for a sneak preview, check out YouTube.

The Reincarnation of Kenny Brunner, and Other Random Links

2007-02-25T18:19:00.000-05:00

I'm sure everyone saw this story last week, but it's too funny not to pass along. Make sure you watch the accompanying video for gems such as this: "I would be happy if someone tried to save me..." Oh, and take note of how they flippantly threw in at the end that our protagonist still lives with his mother. That's just gratuitous.

"N.Y.U. Student Republicans Mount Jaunty (Racist?) 'Immigrant' Hunt." How clever.

According to Conor, "though I am sure no one needs to be told this, technically speaking Williamsburg probably ceased to be cool years back sometime before this Washington Post article was published. And though I have no actual knowledge of such an article, it is a virtual certainty that there was one. My guess on a date for that article is circa October 2002." Another friend of Johnny Shades (who cannot be named because he is a high-ranking government official) puts the date at around August 2002, when he "ordered a cafe au lait to go and the guy told me they were out of soy milk."

Speaking of milk, check out this new beer-milk hybrid, called bilk. It does a body good.

And speaking of beer, check out what these guys found out about the bacteria levels involved in a typical game of beer pong. (Unless you play beer-pong regularly - in which case, ignorance is bliss.)

Finally, the Japanese Self-Defense Forces have enlisted an outside helper to aid them in their effort to stem the tide of Iraqi insurgency - Prince Pickles, a "perky cartoon character." I feel much safer now.

I Ain't Saying She's a Gold Digger...

2007-02-21T16:33:00.000-05:00

Actually, that's precisely what I'm saying -- if she participates in "natural selection" speed dating.

According to the group's web site:

"Pocket Change is honoring the age old union of wealthy men and hot girls. Society has taught us to not publicly acknowledge the obvious - no longer dear friends. Women want money in a man, men want beauty in a woman – this is a factual force of nature. Women don’t ask 'So, what does he do for a living?' because they’re interested in his personality and guys don’t ask 'is she hot?' because they’re concerned with character. Guys know that money buys them the car, the house and the trophy wife. This genetic cleansing is how the wealthy stay beautiful."

So, how long will it be before the LateNightShots crew adopts this type of event for the DC set? Judging by the paltry numbers being thrown around in LNS's "Consultant Salary Comparison" forum thread, the guys around here don't make nearly enough for this to work...

VW Makes Strong Cars, Offensive Commercials

2007-02-20T21:53:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure who greenlighted this particular project. Joel Surnow, perhaps?

VW Suicide Bomber

Watch Video
Fortunately, it looks like someone at VW had the good sense to pull the plug on this project before it ever aired.

Best Book Ever!!

2007-02-20T18:08:00.000-05:00

Actually, I have no idea if it's the best book ever, or even if the darned thing is any good at all. See, a friend of a friend knows a woman whose husband wrote a book, and my friend asked me to promote it. What I wanted to do was read the book first, and then write a pithy book review in this space. Instead, I went to Miami this past weekend and spent the entire time in South Beach eating Cuban sandwiches and drinking Coronas. So I didn't get much reading done.

What I'm going to do is pass along the e-mail I received for now, and read the book at a later date. It looks pretty good though, and it's gotten exceedingly positive reviews - so I'm excited to pick it up, and you should be too. Because it's the BEST BOOK EVER!

___________________

I am thrilled to announce that my husband's first novel, which so many of you are already so sick of hearing about, is going to be available in bookstores tomorrow. The brilliant author is Joshua Ferris, the title is Then We Came to the End, and the publisher is Little, Brown. According to one reviewer (who shall remain nameless), the book is, basically, a work of astonishing genius that is likely to change the face of literature as we know it. It has also been praised by Nick Hornby as a "terrific first novel" and is, according to Kirkus Reviews, "both a wickedly incisive satire of office groupthink and a surprisingly moving meditation on mortality and the ties that bind." Another reviewer, author Geoff Dyer, has written, "It almost makes me wish I had a job."

If all this does not convince you that you MUST read this book, here's a link to a blog that excerpts the first chapter:

http://marksarvas.blogs.com/elegvar/2006/12/then_we_came_to.html

Josh will be doing a number of readings, including in New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles--those who are interested can let me know and I will keep you posted on the dates.

My posts have all been perverted, sorry.

2007-02-15T13:45:00.000-05:00

I don't know how to begin writing about a subject like this so I'll just jump right in. My roommate's cat is in heat. I don't know if anyone gone through this with a pet but it is one of the most disturbing events I've ever witnessed.

It started late Tuesday night when the cat, Kali, began moaning. I kept snapping at her to shut up until I noticed her rubbing her you know what all over the carpet. At this point I was pretty sure this was a cat in heat but I logged onto the internet just to be sure. Kitty websites everywhere confirmed my fears, this cat was a giant hornball. At only six months old, my precious kitty was moaning, sticking her butt out, and begging for sex. How inappropriate.

The fun continued through the night when Kali began to pee on tall, thin objects to mark her territory for possible suitors. Just another example of a cat's supreme intelligence...makes no difference that there has NEVER been another animal in the house, maybe if she pissed on every piece of furniture one would miraculously turn up and do her.

The truth is I feel bad for the little cat. She probably doesn't understand why this happening and it is also somewhat painful for them to go through. The moral of this blog is what good ol' Bob Barker has been telling us for years, SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR ANIMALS. If not for their sanity, then for yours.

Ivan Drago: Best Game Ever

2007-02-15T13:28:00.000-05:00

I just wasted the last 27 minutes playing Ivan Drago: Justice Enforcer. I suggest you do the same.

The New York Rangers at the Sports Club/LA

2007-02-12T12:53:00.000-05:00

I joined the Sports Club/LA several years ago, mostly for the basketball courts. (Indeed, Johnny Shades fancies himself to be quite the basketball player.) About a year ago, the club was acquired, and the new management team has been changing things around ever since. Some changes are welcome - for instance, the new carpet, with its relaxing neutral tones, brings me a sense of inner purpose as I trudge that extra mile on the elliptical machine. Other changes are unforgiveable - namely, the conversion of the basketball court into a cardio room, which has served to undermine the only justifiable excuse I had for paying such exorbitant membership fees in the first place.

So, why don't I just quit and join, say, the much cheaper Vida Fitness Center? Because of the random celebrity run-ins.

I've had several notable random celebrity run-ins as the Sports Club/LA. Sure, everyone's heard the story about George Clooney playing basketball there while he was in town filming "K Street." But how many people can say they've been inappropriately ogled by a half-naked John Travolta (in town for a premier of "Ladder 49") in the locker room? How many people can say that they've inappropriately ogled Eva Longoria (in town filming "The Sentinal") as she did the butterfly press machine? How many people can say that former Dolphins runningback Karim-Abdul Jabbar is a personal trainer at their gym? I can answer affirmatively to all three.

This past weekend, though, I had my most bizarre random celebrity run-in ever.

It was Saturday morning, around 11am. I swung by the gym for a quick run before heading to the office for a fun-filled day of work. But it was really hard to find a free machine, mostly because the New York Rangers were working out.

Now I assume they were in town to play the Caps, and were staying at the Ritz Carlton (in which the Sports Club/LA is located). No surprise there - professional athletic teams stay at the Ritz all the time. What was surprising was the following:

Here you have a team of professional athletes working out at what is essentially a gym for (1) World Bank/IMF development nerds and (2) the trophy wives of lawyers and lobbyists. It just didn't seem to be the best venue for them to have a productive pre-game workout.

Have you ever seen a professional athlete in person and thought to yourself, "Wow, he's a lot bigger/stronger/faster-looking in real life than I imagined?" This has happened to me serveral times. For instance, when I saw Tom Brady and Donavan McNabb at the White House Correspondent's Dinner two years ago, I couldn't believe how tall they were. And when I ran into Popeye Jones at Dream nightclub a few years ago, I was astounded by how ugly he was in real life. But the Rangers - none of them struck me as larger-than-life. With the exception of Marek Malik, who resembles a Carpathian tree-ogre, they all kind of just looked like fairly athletic, normal people. In fact, I mistook them for a collegiate rugby team traveling in the United States at first.

How did I eventually figure out they were the New York Rangers, you ask? Well, they were all wearing the same grey ringer T-shirt that said "Be a Ranger," with the NHL logo emblazoned on the top. But with an exceedingly clever twist - "Be a Ranger" was written in different languages, depending on the nationality of the player. (i.e., Martin Straka's T-shirt was written in Czech, Jaromir Jagr's was written in incomprehensible pidgeon English, etc.) I found this whole thing odd - don't professional athletes generally try to remain inconspicuous in public so as not to attract the attention of the adoring masses?

Not that it mattered - not one person at the gym seemed to pay them any mind at all, despite their apparent attention-seeking behavior. As if we needed more proof that the NHL is no longer culturally relevant. I mean, 12 years ago, Jaromir Jagr couldn't grab a drink at Chauncy's in Pittsburgh without being mobbed by dozens of doe-eyed, mulleted, yinzer-chicks looking to jump his bones. But as he walked through the gym on Saturday morning, no one batted an eye. I was seriously considering asking for his autograph out of pity.

The 'burgh will always love you, Jaromir...

Celebrate Valentine's Day, Harold and Kumar-Style

2007-02-10T16:28:00.000-05:00

With Valentine's Day coming up, a lot of you guys and gals out there are probably racking your brains trying to figure out something romantic to do with your significant other. Flowers? Lame. Dinner and a movie? Trite!

How about sharing a plate of, say, two dozen sliders and a sack of french fries in a candle-lit public dining room? I am not making this up...

"Make your Valentine's day STEAMY! Take your Valentine to White Castle on Wednesday, February 14 between 5 and 8 p.m. and enjoy hostess seating, candlelit dining and your own server. Reservations are required, so check the list below for participating Castles near you!

Special this year, you can also treat your honey to a romantic White Castle dinner in your home! Cupid's Crave Kits include eight cheeseburgers, one sack of fries, two regular soft drinks, coupons and keepsake items to heat up your homespun romance. Now, ain't that sweet?"

No. No, it ain't.

Jack Bauer Takes on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force

2007-02-10T16:21:00.000-05:00

It was only a matter of time.

"A Dream in Doubt" Screens in New York and San Francisco

2007-02-07T09:10:00.000-05:00

Preet Singh, a dear friend of Cafe 227, has been working for over three years to produce a one-hour documentary chronicling the aftermath of the first post-9/11 hate fatality of Balbir Singh Sodhi. The film, "A Dream in Doubt," recently premiered at one of the largest independent film festivals in the world, Slamdance, in Park City, UT. The film was recognized for a Jury prize and is currently being considered for a national PBS airing later this year.

In addition, "A Dream in Doubt" has been selected by the Film Society at Lincoln Center and IFP to screen at the famed Lincoln Center in New York City. Preet, along with the Sodhi family, will be in New York City for the screening and a Q&A afterwards.

Details: Thursday, Feb. 22, 6:30 pm, Walter Reade Theater; $10 tickets at www.filmlinc.com.

The film will also screen at the San Francisco International Asian American Film Festival on Tuesday, March 20 at 7:15 pm. Tickets will be available beginning Feb. 13 at www.asianamericanfilfestival.org.

If you live in either of those cities, I encourage you to attend. It'll be worth your time.

Evite Drama Makes Front Page of the Wall Street Journal

2007-02-06T10:06:00.000-05:00

Looks like I'm not the only one who has experienced evite drama. In this crazy digital age of ours, it's more prevalent than I thought - as evidenced by Jessica Vascellaro's front-page story in today's Wall Street Journal. Because the WSJ protects its content more ardently than Jack Bauer's dad protects family secrets, you can't access it without a subscription. So I copied it in full below for your reading pleasure (which I'm pretty sure is illegal. But since the unintentional comedy of this piece is unparalleled, I'm willing to deal with the ramifications). Pay particular attention to Mr. Strackany's move of creating fictional invitees to drum up buzz for his party. Classy.

__________________________________

On the Internet, Everyone Knows Your RSVP List

Online Invitations Spur New Tactics for Guests; 'Eggblower' Is Perplexed
By JESSICA E. VASCELLARO
February 6, 2007; Page A1

Ben Strackany had an old-fashioned social emergency: Not enough of his friends were responding to his New Year's Eve party invitation. So he deployed a new high-tech tactic: salting his Internet party site with fake RSVPs.

Hosts used to draft their invitations by hand and drop them in a mailbox. Today they can blast them out over email and send guests to a Web page with the details of their party, along with the names of other attendees, whether they plan to attend, and a little RSVP message to the host.

Mr. Strackany's page, using the Evite online service, listed the names of all 30 or so of his invited guests and tallied the responses of those who had replied for all to see. Mr. Strackany, 33 years old, created some bogus guests, including two named "Craig" and "Kara" who responded with messages he made up himself saying "Can't wait" and "bringing two roommates."

"It got the momentum started," says Mr. Strackany, a Web developer from Portland, Ore. His cover was blown when some guests arriving at the party asked after some of the fake guests, hoping to be introduced. He fessed up. Everybody seemed to be amused, he says.

Hosts often appreciate the efficiency and convenience of the new services. But that isn't always true of guests. Some hate receiving Evites because they feel under pressure to reply immediately and with something considerate or clever. "There's a lot of anxiety over how to reply to one of these things," says Jared Osborn, 40, a visual artist from Haverstraw, N.Y. He says he usually sticks to a yes or no reply or else ignores the invitation altogether. "Sometimes the reason is just, 'Eh, it is too much trouble to go.' And you don't want to put that."

As online invitations grow more popular, hosts and guests are also playing new games. Invitees are looking carefully at guest lists posted online before deciding whether to attend. Some guests are helping themselves to other people's guest lists for their own parties.

Last year, two big players, IAC/InterActiveCorp's Evite and Facebook Inc., sent out about 500 million event invitations. "I would have sent my wedding invitation online, if my fiancée would have let me," says Joel Fuernsinn, 31, a database consultant from Atlanta who sends out lots of party invitations over the Web for events like crock-pot parties or to line up friends to help him move from one apartment to another.

For guests and hosts, the invitation page can function like a constantly fluctuating stock price showing the desirability of a party. Last summer, Howard Wu, 33, got a Fourth of July invitation over Evite and was trying to decide whether to attend. The decision got easier when he saw that of the 75 people invited, only a few had responded. "I figured three or four yeses probably wasn't a good sign," says Mr. Wu, a transportation planner from Seattle, who decided not to go.

Some Evite recipients are turning their backs on etiquette experts' RSVP advice (reply within a day or two of receiving the invitation, and only rarely change your answer, according to the Emily Post Institute) -- and are resisting the RSVP process altogether. Last December, Topher Larkin, an administrative coordinator from Los Angeles, went on Evite to ask friends to his 25th birthday party. Days before the party, he was caught off-guard by a bunch of "yes" phone-call replies from guests who shunned the Web site because they didn't want others to know they planned to attend.

"As a host, it is very annoying," says Mr. Larkin, who didn't appreciate having to keep track of the tardy replies. Because his count was off he had to go out and buy more champagne and cheese. "If I were doing it again, I would resort to handwritten invitations," he says.

After emailing an invite to 15 friends for her birthday party last spring, Kara Silverstein noticed that one of them was planning his own party a month later. On his Evite RSVP list, she saw the names of all the women she had invited to her party. "I was pretty angry about it," says Ms. Silverstein of Washington, D.C., a government attorney. "He stole those email addresses."

On email invitations, the blind carbon copy, or BCC, feature is helping hosts avoid faux pas. Sam Mankiewicz, a software engineer from San Francisco, invited friends to a game of Hoover Ball (volleyball played with a medicine ball) but didn't want them to know about one guest many of them didn't get along with. He finessed the situation by putting all the guests on the BCC line of his email, so nobody could see the names of others invited.

Online invitation services generally let hosts change the default settings so as to hide their guest lists. But many hosts don't bother to do that. Some party sites go out of their way to promise RSVP privacy. But that can become a problem, too.

Both hosts and guests ended up embarrassed when Jonathan Bender, a free-lance writer from Brooklyn, N.Y., and his wife, Kate, recently sent online invitations for a Manhattan loft party. They gave each guest a cheeky nickname -- like "the instigator" or "no veggies." The Benders assumed that guests would scan the guest list when they went to reply and see that everyone had received a nickname.

But they used a new online invitation service, Punchbowl Software Inc.'s MyPunchBowl.com, that keeps the guest list hidden from other guests. Its site promises "RSVP is not a public exhibition." The result: some highly perplexed guests, like Abigail "Eggblower" Rabinowitz, who wondered why she had been given a nickname. Ms. Rabinowitz, a 28-year-old Columbia University graduate writing student, earned her name for her failed attempt at a silly trick -- blowing an egg out of its shell after poking two small holes in each end. She didn't know everyone else had a nickname and wondered why she had been singled out.

"I thought, oh my god, what are the others going to think?" she recalls.

After a New Year's party was overwhelmed when 80 friends forwarded her electronic invitation to other people, about 150 altogether, Valery Joseph decided not to let that happen again. So for her most recent New Year's bash, she spent several hours and $150 at Kinkos printing up paper invitations, hoping her guests would be more considerate with their RSVPs.

The NPR "All Things Considered" Jinx.

2007-02-05T16:51:00.000-05:00

You've undoubtedly heard of the Sports Illustrated Cover Jinx and the Madden Jinx. Well, here's a new one - the NPR All Things Considered Jinx.

In a February 2 feature for All Things Considered titled "Long-Snappers May Help Decide Super Bowl," radio correspondent Tom Golden declares that Indianapolis Colts' holder Hunter Smith performed well "two weeks ago in the AFC championship game when he successfully handled low snaps twice. Both resulted in made field goals." Tom goes on to say that "Indianapolis long-snapper Justin Snow is considered one of the best."

Of course, we all know what happened Sunday - Smith and Snow muffed a snap for an extra point on the biggest stage of their careers.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Attacks Boston

2007-02-02T11:18:00.000-05:00

I lot of virtual ink has already been spilled discussing Turner Broadcasting's guerilla marketing tactics in promoting their Cartoon Network show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I have nothing particularly new or insightful to add. But Doza does.

First, check out CNN's coverage of the story:

"Assistant Attorney General John Grossman called the light boards "bomb-like" devices and said that if they had been explosive they could have damaged transportation infrastructure in the city."

Doza says: "If pigeons shit nuclear bombs, they too could damage the transportation infrastructure in the city. I guess we got lucky on both counts."

Another priceless line:

"It had a very sinister appearance," [Massachusetts Attorney General Martha] Coakley told reporters. "It had a battery behind it, and wires."

Apparently, devices with batteries and wires are now considered "sinister." This includes everything.

For the record, this is what the "sinister" device looks like:

That's right - Boston was paralyzed by fear for hours on end because of a Lite-Brite.

In conclusion, I'd like to direct you to a news conference perpetrated by the perpetrators of this hoax, who only agreed to answer questions about 1970s hairstyles.

This whole episode has been so patently ridiculous that the real story here has been lost in the shuffle - what could a cartoon called "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" possibly be about?

Pre-Superbowl Diversions

2007-02-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

An Aussie-based blogger and management consultant waxes poetic on the value of team-building exercises.
This is the best wedding dance ever.
I dislike cats, so I enjoyed this video.
Did you know that before a few days ago, Troy Polamalu's name wasn't really "Troy Polamalu"?
"A doctor pleaded guilty on Thursday to stealing a severed hand, which he gave to a stripper who displayed it in her New Jersey apartment."
A landmark law regarding gender equality rights has passed in Canada. It is now illegal to "stone women to death in public, burn them alive or throw acid on them" in the small town of Herouxville, Quebec.
If I had an extra $150,000 lying around, I'd buy this car. I'd even throw in extra for a Proton Pack and a PKE Meter. (Did you know there's an entire Wikipedia entry dedicated to fictional equipment from Ghostbusters?)
Scary thought of the day.

I mean, Georgetown's a good school and all...

2007-02-01T13:22:00.000-05:00

...but this strikes me as rather extreme:

It Sure Beats Playing "Fur Elise" on the Piano.

2007-01-31T16:43:00.000-05:00

I've got to admit, this talent show routine is kind of impressive.

Introducing Ether Breather

2007-01-31T14:50:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine recently introduced a new blog focused on social media and current trends in speed/thrash metal. (Actually, it's only focused on social media - I just wanted an excuse to link to the disturbingly well-researched Wikipedia entry for "Slayer.") The blog's name is "Ether Breather," and I encourage you to check it out and add it to your RSS readers.

How to Improve your Finances.

2007-01-31T09:59:00.000-05:00

Here's an idea - how about not buying so much needless shit on eBay?

Who Said It Didn't Pay to Drive Drunk?

2007-01-30T16:07:00.000-05:00

From my wonderful home state of Georgia, Kathy Jefcoats reports in this story that 3 guys who were angry with their designated driver's directions (or lack thereof) took the next logical step. They STABBED HIM. What a great country.

Rappers Run out of '70s Songs to Steal, Move onto the '80s

2007-01-28T20:09:00.000-05:00

I've previously expressed my disdain for popular hip-hop. The lyrics are uninspired and lethargic; the beats are mostly recycled wholesale, primarily from old Isley Brothers songs. Of course, this has been going on for some time now.

But recently, I've noticed a somewhat more unsettling trend. (I'm not sure if this trend itself is recent, just that I've noticed it recently.) I guess that contemporary hip-hop beat-makers have run out of old Isley Brothers tracks to steal loops from, so now they've moved onto a different oeuvre - songs of the 1980s. Some of the victims of this beat-stealing are easy to identify, such as Afrika Bambaataa's "Looking for the Perfect Beat" (blantantly ripped off by DJ Khaled and Jermaine Dupri) and Paul Engemann's theme song for Scarface, "Push it to the Limit" (appropriated by Rick Ross, who barely changed the name.) It's harder for me to identify the "creative inspiration" for other songs, such as UNK's "Walk it Out" or anything by Pretty Ricky, but it's clear that they have a distinctly '80s sound.

On the face of it, I have nothing against the sampling of songs from any era. I mean, that's kind of how it's done, right? That's why DJs spend hours and hours digging through crates of LPs to find that perfect snippet of a song, which they can then spin into a dope beat.

But some songs, in my opinion, are strictly off limits. One such song is Afrika Bambaataa's "Planet Rock." Now, I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain the cultural significance of "Planet Rock" in this space - go do some web research on Zulu Nation if you're curious. All you need to know is that "Planet Rock" created the foundation for hip-hop. Which is why Lil Wayne's recent pilfering of it - in a trifling song called "Pump that Bass" - is completely unforgiveable.

I implore all of you fans of real hip-hop out there to join me in shunning Lil Wayne.

How to Have Fun on Long Flights

2007-01-26T15:31:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure this reinforces every single negative Arab stereotype. But it's pretty funny nonetheless. Thanks to Conor for passing this along.

___________________________

If you are sitting next to somone who irritates you on a plane or train follow these instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

Dixie Liquors Closes it Doors; Tequila Grill Becomes a Lame Bookstore

2007-01-26T14:42:00.000-05:00

Today is a sad day, indeed. I just found out that Dixie Liquors, which provided me with a steady flow of Mad Dog 20/20 for four glorious years while I was in college, is shuttering its doors for good. After Eagle Liquors closed in 1999, Dixie was the only remaining liquor story on M Street west of Wisconcin Ave. I'm not sure what the Georgetown student body is going to do now - I wonder if Wagner's still delivers.

In other depressing alcohol related news, the space formerly known as Tequila Grill - which use to serve cheap margaritas and free tacos at happy hour - is being turned into an incredibly lame bookstore. An ignominious end to such a storied watering hole.

Return of the Shades

2007-01-25T00:46:00.000-05:00

So, you have probably been wondering where I've been for the past month or so. (Actually, since I have precisely ZERO readers now, I'm sure you haven't.) If you must know, I've been interviewing for the Pittsburgh Steelers' head coach vacancy. I had a six-hour interview last week, which I thought went pretty well. Unfortunately, I found out Monday that I didn't get the job, which is par for the course these days:

Dear Mr. Shades:

The MBA Admissions Board [of a super-elitist, East coast, Arab-hating university] appreciates your interest in our MBA Program and the considerable effort evident in your application. Unfortunately, we are unable to offer you a place in the MBA Class of 2009.

Sincerely,
[XXX]
Managing Director, MBA Admissions & Financial Aid [and Player Hater]

Hey, thanks guys! Although those four months I spent frantically working on my application amid 70-hour work weeks are lost forever, it sure was an awesome character builder. We'll have to do it again sometime.

Sensing my profound disappointment, my significant out-of-town guest (who sadly returned to her temporary residence in Zamunda last week) dropped me the following note, which put things in perspective and really cheered me up:

Dear Mr. Shades:

This letter is to inform you that by not attending [super-elitist, East coast, Arab-hating university] you will save a boatload of money, two years, and your dignity.

All the very best,
your superego

So, thank you, significant out-of-town guest from Zamunda. You're truly the best.

Johnny Shades has returned, and he's ready to face the world again. (And by "world," I mean "this tiny virtual network of like-minded individuals, most of whom I went to college with.") So keep your eyes on Cafe 227 for a whole slew of fun stuff, such as the following television commercial for a video game retailer. (Make sure you watch it until the end. I refuse to believe this actually aired.)

Wiz Khalifa

2007-01-25T00:43:00.000-05:00

Who knew hip-hop represented the burgh? This kid isn't so bad.

WIZ KHALIFA

"24" Demonizes Arabs, and I Won't Stand for it.

2007-01-24T22:55:00.000-05:00

Actually, I'm much more offended by the fact that they tried to pass Kumar off as an Arab. Everyone knows he's of Gujarati Indian descent.

Nonetheless, check out the ADC's very own Tony Kutayli - a good friend of Cafe 227 - on the Paula Zahn NOW show from a few nights ago. It's hard to argue with him. I mean, I love 24, but we're only five episodes into the season and every Arab (and Indian) on the show has turned out to be sinister. (Except for Hamir Al-Assad, and that's only because he's half British.)

Move Over Ed Bradley, Here Comes Jim Vance...

2007-01-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

My sources tell me that DC-area broadcasting legend, NBC-4's Jim Vance, was in Fatty's Custom Tattooz today for a piercing. Unfortunately, it was nothing too racy - just his left earlobe. Clearly, Jim Vance is trying to take over for the late, great Ed Bradley as the "Super-Cool Black News Guy with the Pierced Ear."

UPDATE: Apparently, the analogy to Ed Bradley wasn't all in my head. When I brought it up with my source, here's what he said: "Funny you should mention that. When I asked Vance why he was getting it done, he said that him and Ed Bradley go back 40 years. Jim said it was HIS idea to get an ear pierced first, but Bradley beat him to it. NO WAY could Vance get his ear pierced then. With Bradley now passed, the piercing is in part to remember his friend, in part to celebrate the fact that he can do it now without being accused of biting Ed's style."

PS - Johnny Shades is back, and badder than ever. Expect a whole slew of new posts over the next few days.

Shaquille O'Neal & MENSA

2007-01-19T13:06:00.000-05:00

I found this interesting article regarding earning potential and height. Social psychologists have long suspected the reason taller people make more money than shorter people is because taller people are perceived to be smarter and more capable. Evolutionary psychologists would probably argue taller people are perceived to be stronger and more likely to survive (male deer with the bigger horns or peacocks with the most feathers).
Recent studies have shown, however, that taller people are just more intelligent than shorter people. All of this brings up an interesting point: if Yao Ming, Shaq, and Tim Duncan didn't play basketball and devoted more time to school, would they be geniuses? I cannot imagine Manute Bol would be president of MENSA or work for NASA as an astrophysicist.
The moral? Give your kids HGH to make them taller, or marry some Amazon woman.

Shades is a Fraud

2007-01-09T13:11:00.000-05:00

As one can see from my title, I have a bone to pick with the man, the myth known as Johnny Shades. While I was skimming down his list of things to check out, I saw something that caught my eye. At first I thought I was still asleep or had been drugged and fell into a deep semi-conscious state of awareness, but I was not mistaken: it was a link to an article about Allen Iverson and his (now-completed) trade. Feeling like Neo in "The Matrix" when he saw the same black cat twice, I said, "Whoa". Haven't I seen this article before? Yes I have, because I WAS THE ONE WHO WROTE ABOUT THE ARTICLE IN A PREVIOUS POST!!! I guess Shades doesn't take time to read posts from his indentured servants. As Huggy Lowdown would say, "Johnny Shades, you are Bama of the week, week, week...".

Now that my heart-rate has decreased to a rather calm 110 beats per minute, how about them Eagles??? The insane and futuristic idea of a playoff in sports is one of the reasons the NFL is better than the college system. While both entities are out to make money, at least the NFL doesn't hide its' intentions. The NCAA and Myles Brand mask their intentions by saying, "We are looking out for the students and their education." What a crock of fecal material.

The group of people who believe the students-athletes in BIG sports (football and basketball) are justly compensated with free tuition and an education are naive. Most of them are only playing ball so they can go to the next level: NBA or NFL. Most of them see college as a means to an end. They do not have any long-term thinking regarding their days after playing sports. Schools bring in these kids who can barely pass high school (despite having tutors and easy classes), use them up, and then forget about them. Then, the school presidents team with big corporations to create 487 bowl games in order to make money. There was an International Bowl this year in Toronto! What's next? ("Live from the sunny capital of Iraq is the first annual Baghdad Bowl between SouthWestern Louisiana State and the University of Buffalo. And what is sure to be a first in a sporting event, the fans in the stadium are also wearing helmets to protect them from flying shrapnel!").

What a racket. Albert Gonzalez should indict the NCAA and the college presidents under the RICO statute. Anyway, I would love to see Boise State and Florida play for the title. Maybe when I fall asleep tonight.

Support the Funniest Hoya We Know

2007-01-08T16:28:00.001-05:00

and vote for him

Spiders on Drugs

2007-01-04T10:44:00.000-05:00

Posting will be sporadic (at least from me) over the next few weeks as I (1) entertain a rather significant out-of-town guest and (2) lament the Steelers' failure to make the post-season for the first time in years. Hopefully, my good-for-nothing "co-contributors" will step it up. (Already, I see that out newest contributor, mzp108, has added more value to Cafe 227 in one day than the others have in the past several months, with the notable exception of Big Worm.)

Until I can fully rededicate myself to Cafe 227, I will continue to post entertaining interweb-related links for your viewing pleasure, such as this fascinating mini-documentary about the effect of psychoactive drugs on the behavioral patterns of Canadian spiders.

Get Your Kicks On...Route 22?

2007-01-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

Due to a tantilizing conversation with Johnny Shades and Pghgirl over Thanksgiving about the infamous "Drive Thru Strip Club" Climax on Route 22 outside of Pittsburgh, I became obsessed with the very premise of a drive-thru strip club. What exactly does the ride include, how much is it, do they have menus of girls you can choose from??? I promised Johnny Shades for the sake of research I would investigate first hand.

Well, I'm a pussy. Since Thanksgiving I've driven past Climax no less than 5 times (I like Pittsburgh) but I never got the courage to "drive-thru." Yesterday, my mother shared with me a news piece she saw about a man who was arrested for leaving his 3-year old child in the car for three hours while he went into this said strip club. Now, he was obviously not driving through but I looked on line for the article regardless. Unfortunately, I did not find anything but I did find this...

http://www.wpxi.com/news/4136258/detail.html

I am aware that this article is from 2005 but it answers so many burning questions. I hope you enjoy...and don't think I'm too weird, if you drove past a strip club advertised "Drive Thru" for 6 years of your life, you'd want to know more too. (PS - I know there is a better way to insert a link, sorry I'll do it next time!)

Yellow Line Now Extends to U Street. I'm Ecstatic About This.

2006-12-28T14:22:00.000-05:00

My roommate just informed me of this - Metro had extended its Yellow Line service to U Street during off-peak hours. (And to the Columbia Heights and Georgia Avenue/Petworth metro stops as well, but I don't care about those because I hardly ever go up there.)

You know what this means? It means I can visit such places as Pentagon City, National Airport, and King Street without transferring at the Convention Center. It also means I won't have to wait 18 minutes for the next Green Line train when I'm trying to get home from Chinaplace Quarter (most likely after a Georgetown loss). I'm absolutely giddy.

Hip Hop Represents the Hoyas

2006-12-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

Hip-hop's love affair with Georgetown has been well established. (For example, see Outkast's Rosa Parks or Biggie's Warning.) Now, there are two new songs on that give a shout out to my alma mater.

The first is Nas' Hope, off his aptly-titled new album Hip-Hop is Dead:

"You had to have somebody else's, a small chrome on your pelvis,
Starter Jacket, Blue Georgetown or Green Celtic..."

The second is Jay-Z's The Prelude, from his recent album Kingdom Come:

"Pantries full of Arm & Hammer, don't take Nancy Drew to see
what it do, I'm a damn G
Just sent a million dollars through a hands free
That's big money talk, can you answer me?
Before the Answer was a 3
I was down in Georgetown with a Hoya chick, lawyer chick..."

I've always been perplexed by Hip-Hop's fascination with Georgetown, considering the preponderance of preppy, rich, New England blue-bloods at the school. But I suppose Hip-Hop transcends class and race these days...

It's Been a Long Time; I Shouldn't Have Left You...

2006-12-27T16:56:00.000-05:00

Links I received while I was busy playing my brother's brand new Nintendo Wii this past weekend...

"Chris Sabo died for our sins." (It's kind of hard to explain - you'll just have to watch the video.)
Another argument for better oversight of the internet. This video should never have been made.
Jack Lambert - the baddest Steeler ever.
A whole slew of weird news from Asia: (1) A female Indian sprinter fails a "gender test"; (2) The world's tallest man saves a plastic-eating dolphin; and, my favorite, (3) "A group of Turkish aviation technicians were so happy to be rid of the last of a batch of troublesome planes that they sacrificed a camel on the tarmac of Istanbul's Ataturk International Airport."
I wish I would've found out about these before Christmas, because I could actually use these on a daily basis.
An amusing PS3 auction on ebay.
Another offensive interpretation of A Charlie Brown Christmas.
Conor says: "If he was a Bengal, he'd be harvesting organs."
Yahoo Traveler takes on Primanti's.
Did you hear? A.I. was traded. I wish I had more time to comment on this, because he's my favorite basketball player ever and a fellow Hoya to boot. But I don't, so I'll just link to this superb Bill Simmons tribute to The Answer.
Dan Marino losing his cool on Inside the NFL.
And just because approximately 300 people sent me this, here's that SNL Digital Short that I'm already sick of.

Crazy West Coast People

2006-12-27T14:55:00.000-05:00

In another example of "I know what they are talking about but if you only read a certain portion of the article you may start giggling" situation, I present to you the following excerpt:

The balls must be examined by a referee, but they can be doctored to some extent to remove the slick waterproofing from their surface. Smith and Niners equipment supervisor Steve Urbaniak give Smith's balls a good working over during the week, running them under some water, scrubbing them with a brush, and drying them with a towel. "I'll go through them and check them to where they're feeling decent," Smith said of the process. "From Alex's standpoint, he's very happy with it,'' Urbaniak said. "It gives him confidence going in knowing he doesn't have to worry about it."
Smith isn't the only one who is happy after a thorough ball-buffing.

(Noticeable silence while attempting to digest this information)

Click here for the complete article. Correct me if I'm wrong, Shades, but they would call this quote a "double-entendre".

Seasons Greetings

2006-12-20T14:13:00.000-05:00

Two quick things (I mean it this time):

1) Merry Christmas to all of you and I hope everyone spends quality time with people who are special in their lives (and not NAMBLA, Shades)

2) In dedication to The Answer being shipped out of town, enjoy these highlights. RIP Big Pun.

Where's Snatch Foo Magoo?

2006-12-19T16:56:00.000-05:00

It seems that Johnny Shades' alter ego has been making the rounds on the District society circuit. Can you spot him in this shot likely taken at NAMBLA's DC Christmas Celebration*? (If I had a telestrator, I'd do the work for you.)

*it is the author's intention not that viewers believe the social gathering depicted has any actual connection with the North American Man-Boy Love Association or any of its affilaited entities or local chapters, only that viewers understand that Johnny Shades shares the principles and mission of the organization. Of course, it would hardly surprise me if a holiday celebrating the birth of a male child of questionable paternity, who would later go on to defy traditional social boundaries, appealed to a group of their nature.

Guess who's back???

2006-12-18T17:35:00.000-05:00

As the underrated yet insightful Brian "Baby" Williams once said:

"The Birdman ain't dead, I fly in any weather."

Best Christmas Present Ever.

2006-12-17T20:31:00.000-05:00

I think someone finally created the perfect toy...

Random Thoughts from California

2006-12-15T18:13:00.000-05:00

I haven't written anything in a while, and Aziz has harassed me to write something. Living out in California is definitely a different experience than the East Coast. I am so close to Mexico it is sometimes difficult to discern between our two countries in certain parts of the city. Autumn (my fiancee) misses the cold winter weather of the East Coast while I do not miss that nonsense at all. I have shoveled a lot of damn snow in my lifetime and look forward to a brief respite from the icy and muy frio conditions.

Now for some random musings from Big Worm:

1) For those who may have forgotten, I predicted the quick tumble of the Georgetown Hoyas from their ill-fated pre-season ranking of 8. Are they in the top 40 anymore? I know Oregon is ranked and is supposed to have a good team, but if you are trying to improve on last year's Sweet Sixteen appearance and close loss to the eventual champion you cannot lose to a team whose mascot is a duck. You just can't.

2) Speaking of Georgetown, my favorite professional athlete is "fittin" to leave my beloved city and take his immense talent elsewhere. The Philadelphia Sixers have completely mismanaged the team by bringing in dead weight (Webber), drafting poorly (Dalembert, Korver), and continually putting no talent around its best player, Allen Iverson. Bill Simmons wrote a fantastic article concerning Iverson and his crappy teammates over the years. The Sixers have three people on the roster who were born before 1981, and only one of them was drafted by the Sixers: Iverson. That means everyone they have drafted before 2002 is elsewhere in the NBA except for Iverson. According to nba.com, the Sixers have had the following brain-fart picks since 1992: Clarence Weatherspoon (#9 overall), Shawn Bradley (#2), Sharone Wright and BJ Tyler (6 & 20), Jerry Stackhouse (3), Keith Van Horn (2), Larry Hughes (8), Samuel Dalembert (26), Jiri Welsch (16!!!), and Paccelis Morlende (81). I am not including Speedy Claxton and Todd MacCulloch, whose names speak for themselves. Between 1992 and 1998, they had no worse than a #9 overall pick and could only manage one good player!!! So now, Iverson will leave and go win a championship ring with someone else, while the Sixers will have another first-round draft pick to use on some obscure European player no one has heard of. I can't wait.

3) Enough sports. I went today to the DMV to get a driver's license. I noticed that they had applications in many different languages, and some guy next to me took the written test in what looked like Korean. Since I am a trained investigator, I deduced he was more comfortable reading in Korean instead of English. All of this would be fine if not for one small, insignificant fact: THE STREET SIGNS ARE ALL IN FREAKING ENGLISH!!! How is somebody who does not speak any English be allowed to take a driver's license exam in a language other than what he or she will encounter while driving? I can see the person thinking, "Okay, on the test it said when I come to a stop sign to stop the car. What is that strange, weird-shaped red sign with large white letters on it? Oh well." A few months ago, while still living in Alexandria, we ordered Chinese food but the driver couldn't find our place. I was trying to find him outside while talking to him on the phone. I told him to come back to his car and I was right there. He didn't understand the word car. When I finally found him, he said he does not speak English. I thought, "How the hell is he able to drive and read the signs?" As someone who is an offspring of a naturalized citizen, I understand foreigners in our country trying to make a living. But you have to learn English in order to avoid killing someone on the road.

Sorry for the length. It makes up for the month or so of silence. Be safe out there.

Wayne Gretzky's Son Sucks at Hockey

2006-12-15T13:21:00.000-05:00

Poor kid. Looks like he takes more after Janet.

Democracy before Santa Clause

2006-12-14T09:53:00.000-05:00

Here's a screenshot from washingtonpost.com this morning...

What the hell does such a serious subject have to do with Santa Clause?

One of These Things Does Not Belong

2006-12-13T15:30:00.000-05:00

Can you guess which one?

(And no, I did not co-author this work).

It's the Little Things.

2006-12-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

So my supervisor told me that as part of my annual bonus this year, our firm is going to buy me a new chair of my choosing. (The little fabric one I currently have is destroying by back beyond recognition.) Of course, I picked out the most elaborate chair I could find - the Liberty Humanscale Ergonomic Office Chair, described by the Grand Rapids Press as "one of the most beautiful office chairs ever created." (Apparently, the Grand Rapids Press is some sort of popular authority on office furniture. I did not know this.)

The Liberty Humanscale chair is like the Sony Playstation to the Herman Miller Aeron chair's Nintendo - the Aeron chair came first and had lots of bells and whistles, but the Humanscale is sleeker, more powerful, and will ultimately prevail. Anyway, I ordered it last week, so I've been waiting with bated breath ever since for it to arrive. I check the mailroom incessantly. I have a sneaking suspician that once I sit in this chair, all of my problems will be solved, and peace will overtake the Middle East and the Darfur region of Sudan. The very idea of this chair has kept me going through an otherwise grueling and hectic two-week time period. I think need a vacation.

Jay-Z Battle Raps Himself and Wins

2006-12-11T16:51:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it - I dig the new Jay-Z single "Show Me What You Got." (Even though he kind of stole the loop from Teddy Riley's "Rump Shaker." But as Guru says in "Take it Personal," "Rap is an art, you can't own no loops. It's how you hook em up and the rhyme style, troop.")

Anyway, one thing confuses me about the song. In the following stanza, he seems to directly contradict an earlier incarnation of himself:

"Why even fool with these other guys? They all stingy
All these dudes know how to say is ‘gimmie’
Gimmie some ass, Give me some brain
Give me your number, gimmie your name..."

As I think you'll agree, this is a stark volte-face from someone who once wrote a song subtitled "Give it to Me":

"Give it to me
Gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff
But don't bullshit me
C'mon, gimme that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff."

Jay-Z may be a great rapper, but talk about fickle. He retires, then he unretires. He demands that you to give it to him, and then he hates on guys who demand the same. I just can't figure him out.

The Gospel According to Linus

2006-12-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

An important message during this holiday season.

Correction: This is the Worst Christmas Present Ever.

2006-12-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

Teach your kid a lesson with this gift. And mess 'em up for life while you're at it.

Worst Christmas Present Ever.

2006-12-08T09:15:00.000-05:00

Seriously, if you're looking for the worst Christmas present ever for someone, go over to e-bay and check this out. Some girl is auctioning herself off to be someone's MySpace girlfriend for a month. In her role as your ersatz virtual girlfriend, she will leave "personilized" comments and "bullitens." In return, you'll have to teach her how to "spell in English."

Hurry up though, the auction ends tomorrow...

Cops: "We've caught 'Baseline Killer,' and it's Ray Lewis."

2006-12-07T16:14:00.000-05:00

Just try and tell me the "Baseline Killer" doesn't bear an uncanny resemblance to Ray Lewis. Right down to the fact that they're both COLD-BLOODED KILLERS. (Yes, I'm still bitter about the Ravens' pasting of the Steelers a few weeks ago...)

End of the Week Inbox Dump.

2006-12-07T14:04:00.000-05:00

Happy National Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day everyone! (I know this date by heart; however, if I didn't, my Veterans of Foreign Wars 2006 calendar would've reminded me. Tomorrow is "War Declared on Japan (1941)" day. Monday, December 11 is "Germany and Italy Declared War on U.S. (1941)" day. Friday the 15th is "Bill of Rights" day, and Tuesday the 26th is the first day of Kwanzaa. Alas, I'll only be able to enjoy this calendar for about three more weeks...)

Onto the various weblinks that my loyal readers (read: Doza) sent me this week:

A small town near Pittsburgh is considering a law that would make it mandatory for all local households to own a gun. Why can't this shit ever happen near Philadelphia?

I am just going to copy the headline for this one: "Gator Attacks Naked Man On Crack." So, here's my question - was the naked man on crack, or just the gator?

This video shows three Scientologists going after a reporter/critic covering one of their events.

Speaking of funny videos, check out part 1 and part 2 of fellow Hoya Mike Birbiglia's "I'm a Bear, Etc." stand-up routine. Quite amusing.

Speaking of fellow Hoyas who are more famous than me, check out Tuesday Morning Quarterback's "Cheerleader of the Week."

I think I've seen this page before, but it's worth reposting. Especially since we linked to a web site where you can buy a miniature ceramic klansman statuette (with or without lighted eyes!) earlier this week.

I hope my little brother's Christmas present (the anti-Playstation 3) comes with this helpful Japanese safety manual.

Finally, definitive proof that Macs are superior to PCs: check out the "Start-Up Sound" video here.

Ode to Big Ben.

2006-12-06T22:15:00.000-05:00

Yep, this pretty much sums up my feelings.

Happy Hannukah-ish

2006-12-01T11:52:00.000-05:00

So... if you've been wondering if free speech really is a good thing after all and/or hoping that prejudice was alive and well, I have good news!!! Free speech allows a lot of terrible things and prejudice is still alive and fun!

Oh, and I think EVERYONE can check a few gifts-to-get off his or her holiday lists by shopping at this site. A sample below:

WHAT...THE...??????

Does anyone know if my Tide Stain Remover can erase this shit from the interweb?

In My Opinion, They Both Suck Equally.

2006-12-01T10:47:00.000-05:00

So, there's an article in today's Washington Post about which soulless suburban dystopia sucks less, Reston or Tysons. I almost spit out my Frosted Flakes this morning when I read the author's conclusion:

"...for the real urban experience, I'll put my money on Tysons."

The crux of the author's argument is that "Tysons is one traffic jam after another," just like "Midtown Manhattan." Or something like that.

Look, I'll concede that Reston is far more contrived than Tysons, while Tysons' horrendous sprawl is much more "organic." But this is kind of like arguing about which restaurant is better, Ruby Tuesday or Applebee's. They're basically the same, and they both suck.

Above: The breathtaking skyline of Midtown Tysons Corner.

Now Presenting: Seinfeld, the Lost Episode

2006-11-30T16:07:00.000-05:00

Via National Lampoon...

The Rich. They're Different from You and Me.

2006-11-29T18:05:00.000-05:00

I, thankfully, do not have any children. I do have a little brother though. Matty Shades - as he's known around these parts - recently turned 14. I've spoiled him rotten ever since he was a toddler. This Christmas will be no different - he will be getting a hard-to-find video game system* from his big brother this year.

I consider this gift exorbitant. It's certainly more than anyone ever spent on me when I was 14, and it's far more than he deserves. However, according to CNN Money, the money I spent on this video game system is a mere pittance compared to the price tags on many toys for the kids of the uber-rich. I encourage you to look at all 10 of the toys featured in the article. My favorites are below:

* Not the Playstion 3. The other one.

Grand Victorian Mansion

Price: $22,000

Description: "This Victorian house is straight out of a fairy tale. It includes a wraparound porch, a stained-glass window, window boxes, a skylight and a doorbell and brass door-knocker. The interior resembles a real house with sponge-painted walls, simulated hardwood floors, fireplace mantel and an upstairs loft accessed by ladder."

Comment: For an extra $15,000, FAO Schwarz will throw in a team of oompa loompas (here illegally from Loompaland, of course) to tend the garden. Also, I think my parents house in Pittsburgh was recently assessed at a slightly higher price than this.

Lego Life-Sized Batman

Price: $27,000

Description: "This Caped Crusader can guard your child from all that lurks in the night. A statue stands 6'6" tall and is made of Lego bricks, with a yellow utility belt and heavy cape fabric. It comes in three parts to assemble."

Comment: It comes in three parts to assemble? What boring, torpid kid would want a pre-assembled Lego statue? Kinda takes the fun out of the whole Lego thing. More disturbing, what precisely does it do? Are you supposed to just stare at it all day? Does it come alive at night and battle the boogey man and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man? (Or am I the only one that had nightmares about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man as a kid?) I'm pretty sure you could actually purchase Michael Keaton at this point for less.

Fantasy Coach

Price: $47,000

Description: "This carriage promises to make your little princess's dreams come true. Handcrafted of wood and fiberglass, the oval-shaped interior measures just over 6 feet in diameter. Linens and interior options can be added upon request."

Comment: Christ almighty. Let's just move on.

Massive Wilbur Piggy Bank

Price: $6,000

Description: "Turn your child's room into a fiscal institution with this all-metal piggybank. Wilbur is made from 100 percent recycled aluminum and painted with nontoxic acrylic paint. Each comes with a brass medallion and announces Wilbur's favorite phrase: 'Some pig!' This extra large pig can be extremely heavy if filled with coins, weighing up to 1,000 lbs."

Comment: I, too, had a piggy bank as a kid. It was about as big as a shoe box. I would fill it with nickels and quarters, with the occassional Susan B. Anthony dollar thrown in. I would dip into it every time I wanted some Sweedish Fish or Lemonheads at the candy store. (Like now, I spent most of my money on food as a kid.) At no point did it approach 1,000 lbs. I guess these kids need something a little heftier to handle their allowances. Some pig, indeed.

Best Product Ever

2006-11-29T11:35:00.000-05:00

I am in love with a new product.

If I were more learned or capable, I would write an ode to it, or sing its praises in public plazas. Instead, I will blog about it and share its wonders with the five people who read Cafe 227.

Those of you who know me know that I like food. I also have to wear clothes. Sometimes, in my zest for consuming food and beverage, some of the delicious morsels or libations get equally excited and decide to adorn my clothing rather than join the happy wonderland that is my belly. While this is fine with me on a strictly spiritual level, "society" says that "stains" that are "all over my shirt" are "unacceptable."

Well, come to the Church of Procter & Gamble and be saved, my friends, for the little wonder tool you see below has given me a new lease on life. So far, soy sauce splattered from a dropped sushi roll, ketchup from a juicy (yet mildly healthy) turkey burger, and a Mint Condition from Caribou have all been eliminated by the power that is the Tide To-Go Instant Stain Remover SUPERBEING.

I don't know how it works. All I know is that I spill shit on myself, I press some liquid onto my shirt, I close my office door and "work hard" for 10 minutes and the stain is gone.

I'm currently crying tears of joy. Thank you, Tide. Thank you so much. I love you.

Thanksgiving Leftovers...

2006-11-28T14:41:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, I actually only have 2 links. Slow week.

Gotta love NPR. Here's a story they did about a dog that got high by sucking toads.

This is a YouTube video of an angry German. No further explanation is needed.

Caught!

2006-11-28T13:47:00.000-05:00

On live television, no less...

Prescient, maybe. But not surprising.

2006-11-20T17:04:00.000-05:00

From Dictionary.com:

prescient \PREH-shuhnt; -shee-uhnt; PREE-shuhnt; -shee-uhnt\, adjective: Knowing or anticipating the outcome of events before they happen.

So, I guess Pete Thamel's use of "prescient" in this New York Times article about the death of former Michigan coach Bo Schembechler is technically correct. Here's the passage:

"A punk band based in Columbus known as the Dead Schembechlers — its name prescient and unintentionally macabre — said it would disband in honor of the coach after playing at a Hate Michigan Rally on Friday."

Technically correct. But still, how much of a stretch is it to foreshadow the death of a 77-year old man? Or anyone for that matter?

Also, since the band's members ostensibly didn't choose its name by accident, I would say the "Dead Schembechlers" is intentionally macabre. But this is a quibble.

A Postcard From Boston

2006-11-20T16:15:00.000-05:00

So I stayed at the uber-hip Hotel Marlowe this weekend in Cambridge, which is located right next to an "Old Fashioned Southern Garden"...

What, precisely, comprises an "Old Fashioned Southern Garden," you ask? A dead tree next to an enormous mound of well-placed stones, apparently...

Boston: it's got its charms, but it sure isn't the prettiest city in the union.

Beautiful Rainbow in Tysons Corner

2006-11-16T15:08:00.000-05:00

At approximately 2:30pm EST today, I saw this big, beautiful rainbow outside my office window. It momentarily warmed my heart. The rainbow stayed around for about 5 minutes or so before fading. Now, at approximately 3pm EST, the sky is as black as a raven's blood, and I fear the end of the world is nigh. Weather sure is crazy sometimes, ain't it?

And Before I Go Again...

2006-11-16T13:50:00.000-05:00

More fun stuff, before I hit the road again tomorrow. I can't wait until things slow down - there's a community herb garden right behind my house that I've been dying to rant about, but just haven't had the time. On to the links:

I know this is probably no laughing matter, but it's hard to take an affliction known as the "Cum Cum Disease" seriously. The best thing about this article is the quote from the Manga artist, who I suppose serves as some sort of expert on women's health in this context. I can just imagine the conversation that took place between the writer and the editor:

Editor: "The story's OK, but it's missing something. Maybe a quote from an expert in this field?"

Writer: "You mean, like a gynecologist or something?"

Editor: "Yeah. Or maybe just someone who's slept with a lot of women."

Writer: "Great idea! I'll see if we can talk to any professional athletes. Or better yet, a Manga artist."

So, Sacha Baron Cohen tried to pull his Borat routine in New York on some unsuspecting American. The intended target didn't quite get the humor and, accordingly, started beating Borat's ass. The pummelling would have lasted indefinitely if it weren't for Dr. House, who managed to diffuse the situation. I can't begin to tell you how much this story amuses me.

"Bon Anniversaire." Hilarious.

Gotta hand it to the Washington Post for staying ahead of the news cycle. According to this article, Clarendon is turning into a soulless, overcommercialized yuppie haven. Next wek, the Post is going to run an article about how there are a lot of interns on the Hill.

This is why I'm smarter than your average Wall Street analyst: this guy needed a "text-book thick Excel model" to go 5-1 in his fantasy football league. I have no proprietary model, and I'm 9-0. So have some. (Can I have a job?)

I personally think butterflies are disgusting creatures, but some people are willing to pay $95 for a dozen.

I didn't read this article, so I don't know what it's about. I just couldn't get past the headline: "Man who put puppies in trash is given them back."

Here's another article from the Post Gazette with a curious headline: "Black Edinboro student sends racist e-mails to blacks." Why is this headline is present tense? Is he still sending these racist e-mails? How about now?

I think it's official: O.J. Simpson is reprehensible.

In conclusion, my Hoyas are on the cover of Sports Illustrated! Another futile season is in the making.

While I Was Gone...

2006-11-12T22:03:00.000-05:00

Back from a week-long business trip beginning in Kansas City and ending in New York, with a couple of days in Las Vegas sandwiched in between. I returned to DC broke, physically drained, and emotionally spent. But the Steelers won, so I'm in good spirits. And, I got some great links while I was gone (mostly from Doza, as usual):

News from my alma mater: A bunch of Georgetown Students have declared themselves a "religious community" to skirt a zoning law that limits the number of unrelated people living in a house to six. I'm not sure whose side I should take here - the puerile, spoiled college student whose rich daddy bought him a $2.4 million house in Georgetown, or the hoity-toity, overdramatic Georgetown residents who say things like "This shameless proposal...could have potentially devastating effect on the quality of life in our neighborhood."

More news from my alma mater: Some Georgetown alumni have political aspirations, if you can believe it.

Here's a video of a Bank of America employee musically paying tribute to the recent BoA-MBNA merger. They're really drinking the Kool-Aid over at Bank of America, aren't they? My goodness. Something tells me Bono wouldn't approve.

My dear friend Jason Simmons - aka Master Roshambollah - was interviewed on NPR Friday in advance of the World Rock Paper Scissors Championship in Toronto this past weekend. Click here to listen to the interview.

Here's a video of Aries Spears, who's famous for his spot-on impersonations of various rappers. This is honestly the most amazing thing I've seen since I witnessed the demolition of Three Rivers Stadium in 2001.

I did not watch last week's Country Music Awards. And I assume you didn't either. Which is why you need to watch this clip of Faith Hill's reaction when she hears that she lost "Female Vocalist of the Year" to Carrie Underwood.

Finally, apropos of last week's stunning Democratic victory, I'd like to close with this picture of Rick Santorum and fam during his concession speech. In the words of my roommate Pgh Girl, "can you tell the kids are homeschooled?"

Last Rites

2006-11-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

Well, people, today is my last day off before 2009. (Sidenote: I these freaking computers at the lab in my complex. They remind me of the computers in Harbin Hall circa 1996. At least we have chairs in here...) Anyway, SD is nice and I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my better half sometime tomorrow. A few points, however:

1) Apparently, peanut butter and jelly is out of season here in San Diego, according to the food lady at Costco. She told me it is only for the summer. I was thinking, "Bitch, it's freaking 80 degrees outside this micky-flick! That's summer in my book!" Alas, I still can't find my pb&j sandwiches from Smuckers. A travesty indeed.

2) Does anybody think this commercial is racist? It's another mud-slinging commercial for the upcoming election. Your thoughts would be appreciated. By the way, Ford would be the first black senator from a southern state since the Reconstruction period!!!!

3) If you haven't heard this rant yet, you have been hiding in a spiderhole with Saddam. MSU v. ND aftermath by a MSU grad who works as a sports radio jockey in Detroit. Classic.

4) Steelers suck. (Sorry, Shades, but they do. I know they won it last year, so hold on to that little treasure).

5) Did anyone else notice Georgetown is pre-season ranked 8th in the country? 8th??? We have not been ranked that high in the pre-season since the Reconstruction period. That means we will have a mediocre year, go to the NIT, and Roy Hibbert will miss a wide-open dunk at the buzzer a la Reese Gibson. Reese, where are you now?

Evangelical Pastor Involved in Gay Relationship With Bad Rapper!

2006-11-03T09:06:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't heard: "The Rev Ted Haggard, who is married with five children, stepped down yesterday as head of the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals and as senior pastor of the New Life church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, after being accused of paying for sex with a male escort."

Wait, it gets worse: "The allegations against Mr Haggard surfaced this week when Mike Jones told a Denver radio station that the pastor paid him to have sex nearly every month over three years. Mr Jones also said Mr Haggard snorted the drug methamphetamine before their sexual encounters, to heighten his experience." [Emphasis added.]

Mike Jones? You mean, the Mike Jones?!? The hypocrisy! I mean, just earlier this year, Mike Jones was droning on and on about how a few years ago, hoes didn't want him, but now that he's hot, hoes are all on him, etcetera. Turns out, the hoes don't want him now either - probably because he's been involved in a homosexual relationship with a married, evengelical preacher for the past three years. I'm just so fed up with these sanctimonious gangsta rappers.

Shame on you, Mike Jones. You've fallen so far from your pinnacle as Super Bowl hero.

Drinks are on me!

2006-10-31T18:53:00.000-05:00

Leave it to the Brits to figure this out. Necessity is the mother of invention, I suppose.

(Thanks to Pollo Loco for the link.)

CALIFORNIA LOVE!!!!

2006-10-30T19:51:00.000-05:00

West Side!!!!!!!

Sorry, everybody, but I think I saw Suge Knight rolling around in a 2006 Hummer looking to beat someone's ass over a record label. I am here in beautiful San Diego (temperature currently at 65 degrees, very little wind coming out of the southeast) with only the clothes in my bag, a few dollars in my pocket, my hopes and dreams, and a loaded Sig Sauer pistol. Ahh, a guy could live forever with those things. I believe it is almost 5 p.m., but my body says it is 8 p.m. I had to buy a towel and pillow from IKEA because I ain't got shit else until tomorrow.

My fiancee Autumn picked out a beautiful apartment complex that is close to a lot of things, most important of all: IHOP. Right across the street. I can almost smell the pancakes from our balcony. Why anybody leaves this place is beyond me (Yeah, I know it is expensive but damn so is DC, NY, and Boston but people still live there! And it's cold in those places!!!).

Anyway, just wanted to drop a line to anybody who cares. This place sure beats the taint of the US that was Brunswick, Georgia. And on a completely random change of subject, if anybody knows were Scott Dominguez is please let me know. Word is he works for the Febs out of Quantico I can neither confirm nor deny that. Much love to everyone.

Assorted Links: The Lazy Blogger's Way Out

2006-10-30T17:13:00.000-05:00

Look, I warned you about this. Every year, commencing around August 1, I stop going out, reading, listening to music, watching movies, talking to people - essentially, I stop living life. Instead, I devote the bulk of my leisure time to reading about football, watching football (especially now that I have NFL Sunday Ticket), discussing football, and managing my fantasy football teams. My IQ plummets during this time. It's as if my brain goes into hibernation every fall, only to emerge in mid-February perplexed, timid, and visibly malnourished. By the summer, my synapses are firing on all cylinders again, allowing me to write witty missives about the local bar scene, the evolution of hip-hop as seen through the prism of art history, etc. But as the year draws to a close, I retreat to the cold, dark recesses of CNNSI.com and shoot Peter King's and Dr. Z's inane drivel into my veins.

So what's left, you ask? Why, assorted internet links, of course. (Thanks to my three remaining readers for these.)

Have you ever wondered how many cans of Jolt Cola you could drink before you actually dropped dead? Find out here.

This has been out for a while now, but it's too good to ignore: Ethan Albright's fictional response to being ranked the worst football player in Madden '07.

Forbes.com, the self-proclaimed "home page for the world's business leaders," is also apparently the home page for unintentionally hilarious articles about sex.

Speaking of sex, Esquire magazine recently named Scarlett Johansson the sexiest woman alive. I'm in concurrence.

A set of twins was recently born in England. One of the twins is black, and the other is white. I once thought this was a physical impossibility, but no longer. I have nothing more to add.

Finally, are you scrambling to find a creative Halloween costume for tomorrow night? Fear not - all you really need is a good set of hair clippers and a healthy lack of dignity:

Let's Continue to Rag on Peter King.

2006-10-26T23:33:00.000-04:00

From a loyal reader:

"Since you've been running Peter King Is An Idiot files, I thought I would point out the brilliance of today's "analysis" of the Bears-49ers game:

---
Lovie Smith-Mike Nolan doesn't have quite the same ring to it as Mike Ditka-Bill Walsh. Alex Smith-Rex Grossman, Joe Montana-Jim McMahon. What a difference 20 years makes.
---

Yes, I know Peter, the players and coaches you spent so much time analyzing and getting to know have retired. Why couldn't they just keep playing forever? And I know that you think it is unfair that it makes your job (which let's not forget, involves watching and discussing NFL football) so much harder that every year you have to learn about new players and coaches who you really don't care about. Which I suppose is why you go back to fellating Bill Parcells over and over again, which leads you to say asinine things like:

---

Dallas (3-3) at Carolina (4-3)

It's Romo time. Bill, you did the right thing.

Dallas 20, Carolina 16
---

Dallas isn't going to cover, let alone win. Peter (and the rest of the sports media), its time for you to admit the Cowboys suck and, at this point, Bill Parcells is a bad coach and a bad human being. This Cowboys team has 6-10 written all over it. Of course, I'm sure Peter will still be arguing that Parcells did a great job and it was only a few bad breaks here and there that kept them out of the playoffs where they would have put everything together and gone all the way to the Super Bowl.

Aziz needs a hug...

2006-10-24T18:11:00.000-04:00

Good evening all! This is your favorite student Big Worm live from Southeast Georgia.

Enough of that crap. I am so freaking tired of this place, but in 4 days I (hopefully) will not have to see it ever again. That is right, ladies and gentlemen, I graduate on Friday the 27th of October at 1530 hours (that's 3:30 p.m. for you non-military schlumps).

(Sidebar: there is a guy in the computer lab who looks like Albert Einstein's cousin. Where is my loaded weapon?)

Anyway, this journey is almost over and I say "Thank the Lord!". I would first like to send a big pile of steaming horse dung to Mazda American Credit for completely wasting my time and stressing me out over my damn title to my car. Thank you, Mazda, you useless bitches.

On the 30th of October I will be flying to San Diego to start the next leg of my journey. I am excited to begin my new job in a new location. I will miss the East Coast, except when 34 feet of snow hits and you mopes are shoveling snow. I have shoveled snow for 28 years and I look forward to warm weather every day of the year.

Since I probably won't see any of you before I leave for California, I want to say thanks for the entertaining rants, observations, and random video clips at Cafe 227. If anybody is out in San Diego, hit me up to say hello. Otherwise, I'll see you when I see you. Be safe.

Shaq Diesel, Crime Stopper

2006-10-24T11:36:00.000-04:00

I'm on my way to a client meeting, but I just had to post this before I ran out the door. Apparently, Shaquille O'Neal (of "What's Up Doc, Can We Rock?" fame) participated in an Internet child porn raid in Virginia as a police officer. Worse yet, they raided the wrong house. Read the whole thing here.

(Thanks to SpyTech for this link.)

Peter King's an Idiot, Part II

2006-10-23T12:25:00.000-04:00

From Peter King's MMQB column:

"g. If the Redskins don't go with Jason Campbell now, what they are saying is: We refuse to make a change even though our season is on the line. We have a bye this week and can effect positive change. Or something like that. I don't know how a limited-mobility quarterback like Mark Brunell can flourish against the defensive pressure of Dallas, Philadelphia, Tampa Bay (well, the Bucs are just OK), Carolina, Atlanta and Philly again. In succession." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: "Effect" is a noun, "affect" is a verb. Peter should have used "affect" in this context. Seriously, CNNSI.com did fire all their copy editors, didn't they.

UPDATE: I've been informed by someone smarter than me that "effect" can be used as a transitive verb to mean "bring into existence." Therefore, it seems that I need a copy editor, not Peter King. Sorry Peter.

Oh, and in response to Chico's earlier, inexcusible post: nuff said...

'Nuff Said

2006-10-23T09:31:00.000-04:00

On Stingrays...

2006-10-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

From Bill Simmons' column today:

"6:47 -- Wait, another stingray attack? Yikes. I think the stingrays are furious that we haven't respected them enough to name a professional sports team after them. Now they're taking it out on us. And frankly, I don't blame them."

Wait just a minute Bill - what about the Tampa Bay Devil Rays? I mean, I'm no marine biologist, but their logo sure looks like a stingray to me.

Or was Bill trying to be cute by implying that the Devil Rays aren't a professional sports team?

Ajit does Gnarls Barkley on YouTube

2006-10-18T17:33:00.000-04:00

Congratulations, Ajit. You're the first person whom I know personally to appear on YouTube:

No Time for Jibba Jabba

2006-10-18T14:29:00.000-04:00

It's pictures such as this that keep me going throughout the workday...

Peter King and Don Banks: Dumb and Dumber

2006-10-16T10:51:00.000-04:00

Did they fire all their copy editors over at CNNSI.com? Look, I know I'm not the best writer in the world. But there's bad writing, and then there's execrable writing. To wit --

From Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column today:

"2. Indianapolis (5-0). 'Honey,' I imagine Mrs. Peyton saying to Mr. Peyton Manning, sitting in his favorite recliner around 1:30 on Sunday afternoon. 'You promised we'd clean out the garage this afternoon. Honey? Honey!' Said Mr. Manning: 'In a minute, honey.' In other words, I would be shocked if Peyton Manning did not have the games on and a clicker in his hand on his bye Sunday."

Comment: Peter, if you have to clarify your story by explicitly stating your intended premise after an "in other words" clause, your story was stupid, ineffective, and a profound waste of your readers' time.

"He responded by leading Pittsburgh to a 31-0 halftime lead, going 16 of 19 with two touchdowns and no interceptions. This is the Roethlisberger of the last two years -- a complimentary player with no ego who's happy to let his running game and defense be the headline acts." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: I think Peter meant to say "complementary," with an "e." I stopped making this mistake in 7th grade. (As an aside, Peter couldn't be more wrong - Ben is an amazing playmaker, and the Steelers success is contingent upon his success throwing the ball. The Steelers are only able to amass mountains of rushing yardage when he's sharp and the opposing defense can't crowd the line of scrimmage. For proof, check out footage from the Steelers' loss against the Jaguars a few weeks ago. Do you actually watch football, Peter?)

(As another aside, I've just about had it with sportswriters -- see Thomas Boswell's column today -- continually confusing causality with correlation. A common argument I hear is this: "The Nantucket Nancies are 44-3 when Speedy McRunsalot rushes at least 25 times. Therefore, for the Nancies to win, McRunsalot needs to get at least 25 touches." Could it be that in the games that McRunsalot had at least 25 rushes, the Nancies were nursing a large early-game lead - - a lead that was perhaps built through the passing game? Why is this possibility lost on sports pundits?)

"The Steelers shouldn't get all pissy when Troy Polamalu gets tackled by the hair, or by the hair and jersey, as he did by Larry Johnson. His hair is the size of Texas, for crying out loud." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: Peter actually wrote "all pissy," a phrase usually reserved for use by quarrelsome, suburban schoolgirls, in an sports column. You know, Peter, it's OK to break out the Thesaurus sometimes. Had you done so, you may have come up with a more appropriate word - - such as "irascible," or (my personal favorite) "cantankerous."

"I think I never thought I'd say Tennessee owner Bud Adams was right. But Bud Adams was right in making Jeff Fisher play Vince Young when he did three weeks ago." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: It took me the better part of this morning to unwind the convoluted logic there.

And not to be outdone by his colleague, Don Banks wrote this gem in his Snap Judgments column:

"Here's a call I believe will be made: Joey Harrington should remain the Dolphins starting quarterback until the ex-Lion loses the job based on performance. Irregardless of the progress of Daunte Culpepper's knee in his mid-season rehabilitation program. Harrington didn't distinguish himself against the Jets on the road on Sunday, but he still gives Nick Saban's flailing Fish a better chance to win right now than the immobile Culpepper." [Emphasis added.]

Comment: "Irregardless" is NOT EVEN A WORD. Dammit, it's not even lunchtime yet, and I already have a headache...

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

2006-10-12T17:33:00.000-04:00

As sung by Spock, circa 1968. This is outstanding.

The Washington Times on Roy Hibbert

2006-10-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

I rarely read the Washington Times. But as a Georgetown grad and a die-hard Hoya basketball fan, I thought this article about Roy Hibbert's off-season improvement was superb. My favorite line:

"'I know it's just a summer league, but the big fella can ball,' former Maryland star Lonny Baxter said after Hibbert torched his team for 32 points and 15 rebounds in the title game. In an act of revenge, Baxter dragged Hibbert to the White House, where he shot the young Hoya several times."

Ok, I made that last part up.

As is expected from the Washington Times, the title of the article - "Summer Growth Spurt" - is actually quite misleading. From the accompanying photo, only Hibbert's hands grew to freakishly large proportions, while the rest of his body pretty much stayed the same size:

Assorted Thoughts from my Climate-Controlled Oubliette in Northern Virginia

2006-10-09T21:19:00.000-04:00

So, I'm currently in the midst of a rather large project that requires quite a bit of original writing. It's uncanny - when I didn't have to write, I couldn't wait to post my musings in this space every day. But now that I'm being forced to write against my will, I've lost all desire to write anything here at all. Actually, "desire" isn't the right word - "ability," I should say. The process of involuntary writing has drained every last ounce of creative energy I once had.

What's worse, I've discovered through this project that - by all objective measures - I'm a horrible writer. I'm trite, needlessly grandiloquent, and excessively verbose. I'm hopelessly obsessed with the passive voice, and I have no compunction ending sentences with prepositions. I split infinitives willy-nilly. I'm a bad writer, and it's taking a toll on me, my coworkers, and my closest friends.

Perhaps when this project is over (in a few short weeks, hopefully), I'll rediscover my penchant for blogging. Until then, at least Doza's still sending me random web links:

A recent gem from The Onion.
Looking to kill some time at work, but you've tried everything FetchFido has to offer? This game will keep you occupied for hours. Nay, days.

This one's from Alayne: actress Sienna Miller (I have no idea who she is) recently dissed my beautiful hometown. She called it "Shitsburgh"! She's beautiful and creative! Anyway, her publicist issued the lamest excuse ever in response.

And finally, since I'm out of random links from Doza (I guess I didn't have as many as I thought), let me just give you my take on the Steelers' embarassing loss last night. Look, they can go 1-15 this year, and it still wouldn't diminish the fact that they won the Super Bowl nine months ago. Their fifth.

Kidnapped by FLETC

2006-10-03T16:26:00.000-04:00

Good afternoon all!

I pray everybody has been doing well since I last wrote something intelligible. As you can tell from the title of this editorial, FLETC kidnapped me and held me for ransom but I shot my way out Steven Seagal-style. I am now an old fat white guy with tight jeans and a receding hairline that ends in a ponytail. In other words, I am Doza circa 2033.

Anyway, I have less than four weeks left in the "taint" of the United States. 20 weeks!!! Unbelievable. I should get a freaking award or something. But, it has not been all bad. In fact, my classmates and I entertain ourselves by writing down mispronounced words, non-existing words, and things that make you go "What in the hell?" said by our "instructors". Some examples from the past 20 weeks:

Definization
Legitimated
Wetlock
Physical year (as opposed to fiscal year)
Saudia Arabia (must be a new country that Bush will bomb in 2 weeks)
The opposite of credible is....incredible!
"I heard something out of the corner of my eye..."
Archives (with the "ch" pronounced like "cheese" as oppose to "can you be serious")

And finally, my personal favorite, the following beginning of a sentence was said to us by a lady who has worked in intelligence for over 20 years: "The Pentagon is an octagon-shaped building...."

Wow.

When that one was said, about half of the class turned to the side and had a look as if they smelled busted ass. A guy who sits in front of me, who is a Captain in the Army and a lawyer, looked at me as if he was going to throw up. It was classic.

I have a longer list on my desk because I am the official scribe for our project. On a separate note, I will be in town (DC) this weekend for the last significant time. I hope my cats remember me, even though they love Johnny Shades. As usual, be safe wherever you are and don't say anything stupid!

They'll Apparently Eat Anything in China

2006-10-02T19:03:00.000-04:00

From the washingtonpost.com's "Day in Photos," which purports to offer "[a] panoramic view of the world in photographs."

Now I know this is a picture of Chinese babies learning to swim. But, it looks like a giant lobster tank for steamed baby heads. Just tell me it doesn't.

I'd like to take issue...

2006-10-02T09:45:00.000-04:00

...with Mr. J. Freedom du Lac's (Seriously? That's his name?) insistence in this morning's Washington Post that "Rakim is without question the greatest rapper of all time." Now, Rakim may or may nor be the greatest rapper of all time, despite similar proclamations from Jay-Z, Nas, L.L. Cool-J, among others. But, we cannot even begin to have this conversation without mentioning Tupac and Biggie - which makes Monsieur du Lac's assertion extremely questionable.

Where'd you go, Johnny?

2006-09-27T13:52:00.000-04:00

No worries, I'm still around. Just dealing with the inevitable post-Labor Day deluge of work.

I'll be starting to post regularly again in a week or two (and it won't all be about the Steelers either, especially now that they SUCK). In the meantime, keep yourself entertained with this:

And this:

The AFC North's Biggest Rivalry: Steelers vs. __________

2006-09-21T21:48:00.000-04:00

In his weekly "First-and-10" column, ESPN football analyst Hermey the elf says the following about the Bengals-Steelers matchup this weekend:

"[Chad] Johnson may say the Ohio rivalry against the Browns is better, but he's wrong. This is evolving into one of the best rivalries in football."

During my relatively short time here on earth, each of the following matchups has been considered the most significant intra-divisional AFC Central/AFC North rivalry at some point:

1. Steelers-Browns
2. Steelers-Ravens
3. Steelers-Oilers
4. Steelers-Titans
5. Steelers-Jaguars
6. and now, Steelers-Bengals

Do you see the common denominator here? No one in the history of the AFC has EVER talked about the "heated Oilers-Browns rivalry" or "the historic emnity between the Ravens and the Jaguars." It has always been the Steelers vs. Johnny-Come-Lately.

Success is the NFL is rare and fleeting. Except for the Pittsburgh Steelers, for whom it's the norm.

Of these various permutations, I personally prefer the Steelers-Ravens rivalry. After all, they're the real Browns, and the Steelers' rivalry with the Browns has the richest history. Also, unlike those other pretenders, the Ravens have at least won a Super Bowl. (Two if you count the Baltimore Colts' championship. But definitely not five.)